Today i feel more dead than most days. I took a look in the mirror and didnt even regonize the guy looking back at me. Scruffly beard, messy hair, flabby body. What happened to me and my life? I used to be so outgoing and well groomed. I used to work out everyday and have goals and ambitions. Now i could sit in my room all day and not leave it. Only to come out to eat and use the restroom. Im tired of feeling bad for myself, becasue i feel i should be strong enough to pull out of this…..but on the other hand i feel so weak and tired. I know i have depression and anexity, but i choose to fight against it. I feel like i can beat it, because i want to have control over myself again. And maybe thats stupid to say, but when you have an old fashioned dad who dosent belueve in things like depression, thats what you start to believe.
I have have taken anti depressants before, but they did not work. They made me feel jaded, and fake. Like i was pretending to be happy. So after a short period, i stopped taking them. Maybe im so used to being miserable that this is normal for me. Im just so lost, i wish i had the answers to myself. I wish i had the power to fix my life, my mother, my father…..myself. But i dont, and thats what hurts the most. Im not a very emotional guy, i was raised not to cry, because it shows weakness. But these past two or three years, i will catch myself letting tears roll down my face. Like i cannot hold back anymore because im not strong enough.
I want things to turn around for myself. I need to make a better effort to keep pushing. I want to know why and where things went wrong, so i can fix it….or atleast move on from it. It may sound like a simple question, but it is more complicated than it seems. Well im done ranting for today. Godspeed all