Today i feel more dead than most days. I took a look in the mirror and didnt even regonize the guy looking back at me. Scruffly beard, messy hair, flabby body. What happened to me and my life? I used to be so outgoing and well groomed. I used to work out everyday and have goals and ambitions. Now i could sit in my room all day and not leave it. Only to come out to eat and use the restroom. Im tired of feeling bad for myself, becasue i feel i should be strong enough to pull out of this…..but on the other hand i feel so weak and tired. I know i have depression and anexity, but i choose to fight against it. I feel like i can beat it, because i want to have control over myself again. And maybe thats stupid to say, but when you have an old fashioned dad who dosent belueve in things like depression, thats what you start to believe.
I have have taken anti depressants before, but they did not work. They made me feel jaded, and fake. Like i was pretending to be happy. So after a short period, i stopped taking them. Maybe im so used to being miserable that this is normal for me. Im just so lost, i wish i had the answers to myself. I wish i had the power to fix my life, my mother, my father…..myself. But i dont, and thats what hurts the most. Im not a very emotional guy, i was raised not to cry, because it shows weakness. But these past two or three years, i will catch myself letting tears roll down my face. Like i cannot hold back anymore because im not strong enough.
I want things to turn around for myself. I need to make a better effort to keep pushing. I want to know why and where things went wrong, so i can fix it….or atleast move on from it. It may sound like a simple question, but it is more complicated than it seems. Well im done ranting for today. Godspeed all
-Drew
10 comments
if it mans anything I feel the same way everyday. I know what your going through man, try to keep your head up I know its hard.
Have you tried talk therapy? I’ve found that it’s very helpful and drugs just do not work. They’re good at masking the problem or for people with mild depression, so I get why you feel like they made you feel fake. You should really try therapy as it’s helps heal the underlying problems that are causing these negative feelings. I’m sorry to hear that you’re dad doesn’t believe depression is real. If only it weren’t. We really need to do a better job at erasing the stigma attached to it, because it can deadly, as evidenced by this site. Hang in there, and it’s good that you’re posting because sometimes just letting all your pent up feelings out can help tremendously no matter how you do it (ex. through a site like this, writing a journal, venting in person etc.) A wise person once said kind words are the best medicine and I for one whole heartedly agree.
therapy coast money my friend, and im not doing so well in the money department. But talking to the little family and friends i have really helped. and yes people really need to be re-educated on depression, anxiety, and things of that matter. Doctors shouldnt be so free giving with the anti depressants.
You are not your father, Drewby… You can only act in a manner consistent with yourself, and now that you’ve grieved your old self, it’s time for the real Drew to step up. What you’ve described sounds like a bad situation I was in before, and so I’m gonna tell ya what I did to move onward. I’m just sharing.
Shave carefully. Cut and file your nails. Bathe. Put on your best clean clothes you currently fit in (u know what I mean, man). If you have a few bucks, go get a haircut and something to eat afterwards. Then, do your laundry, cleaning up your room as you do. Take a BREAK. Start a journal of things you got done. Tomorrow, get back to working out old school. Push ups and situps before whenever your first meal of the day is. Walk around your neighborhood before the afternoon. You can worry about employment next week. The simple habits are very important. YOU are Number One. Take care of yourself, Drew. You know what you want, and what you need. Prep to receive it.
Those were very wise words. And its good to know people like you are still around. I really appreciate it.
“Slow dancing in a burning room†*I am living fire~ my gawd you’ll have to dip me.
I know, pointless comment. (･ˇ～ˇ･)
lol john mayer has got to much soul for his own good. a spin would be nesscary as well 😛
its crazy man, everyone on here may not have the same story, but they all know what the feeling of pain is. you keep fighting the good fight. when you feel like you have no one, remember all of us. we are fighting right along side you. stay up man
-Drew
Y’know it’s almost like you’re talking to yourself (I do that alot since no one is listening to me haha). So your name’s Drew. Here I’ll sign off with my ‘real’ name too~
-Jugemu Jugemu Goko no Surikire Kaijarisuigyo no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Ku Neru Tokoro ni Sumu Tokoro Yabura Koji no Bura Koji Paipo-paipo Paipo no Shuringan Shuringan no Gurindai Gurindai no Ponpokopi no Ponpokona no Chokyumei no Chosuke.
what tha fuck?