Why can’t I let go?

It’s been one week since I’ve broken up with my first boyfriend and I still can’t seem to let him go…

It all started like this:

About 4 weeks ago, me and my friend were very bored on Facebook and decided to start a fake fight. We started commenting really mean things to each other (for the fun of it) and I get a friend request (actually 2) from this guy that just wanted to see and comment on our “fight.” Of course, me and my friend were Skyping with each other and I told her everything, and I accepted his request.

After 20 minutes or so, we both posted a status apologizing and saying that it was joke and what not. The guy that added me commented on there saying it was entertaining and what not, and from there we began talking. I added him on Skype and me and him just hit it off right away (we’re both so incredibly similar that it was scary). The only problem, was that he was 2 years younger than me (a  15 year old sophomore) and goes to a completely different school than I do. We both have a mutual friend in common (his best friend is friends with me) so it’s not like we’re complete strangers.

Anyways, we began talking and things were going really well. I’ve never been so happy before (especially since I’ve never been in a relationship with someone, much rather, talked to someone like I did with him) and the following week, we went out on our very first date and he officially asked me to be his girlfriend.

Everything was just perfect. I couldn’t have asked for anything better…until what happened the following week.

Out of nowhere, there was this girl started hitting on him. Normally, I wouldn’t have cared, a lot of girls hit on him, but this one in particular was just persistent and would not leave him alone. Now, he’s a friendly person, so I understand that he talks to her, but what really was getting on my nerves was that he was not rejecting her well enough. He told her that he had a girlfriend, but she was still constantly texting him, asking to sit with him at lunch, and the worst part? She asked him to go to the movies with her….and he said yes.

Again, I don’t care if he has female friends (even if they like him) nor do I care if he hangs out with girls, but the one thing I will not stand for, is if you agree to hangout with this girl that sees you as “more than friends.” He knew she liked him, and still accepted her invitation. After I told him how I felt, he became really mad at me and said that I was being “possessive” and “controlling” and that I didn’t “trust him.” I actually have trust issues, but I trusted him more than I trusted my own parents. It’s the girl that I don’t trust. I tried telling him this, but he just couldn’t understand my point. He later decided that he needed a “break.”

That hurt a lot more than it should have.

After 2 days, I get a text from him saying “we’re a shitty couple” and I basically responded back something along the lines of how relationships have it’s ups and downs and that’s what makes it stronger. He later replies back saying that he almost ended it because of how mad he was…

After talking things out (more like me trying to save this relationship) he practically told me that once I go off to college, he’s going to be single.

Before our “break” he was the sweetest and most caring guy any girl would have loved to date. He would always send me these adorable text messages that made my heart skip a beat, and he was the first guy that’s ever made me feel wanted and loved for. He told me (before we started dating) that going off to college won’t change how he feels about me, and that I was the only girl he’s ever cared so much for. We had promised to Skype each other every night, and we even made plans to live together after he graduated highschool. Me being a sucker for these corny words, believed him and I became really attached to him.

I’m still a virgin, and surprisingly, so was he. We’ve brushed up on the issue of sex and decided that we wouldn’t do it, until after 6 months of dating. After our break, however, he completely changed.

He was much harsher and was practically asking me to send him nudes. I’m not that type of girl and normally he’s not that type of guy either, which is why it shocked me. Of course I didn’t send him anything and after he went to bed and told me about him being single after I leave, I cried myself to sleep. I ended up breaking up with him through text the next morning (I was going to wait until we hung out later that day, but I was scared that I wouldn’t have been able to do it).

The next few days were harsh and I couldn’t go an hour without thinking about him and crying. He had said to me (before we started dating) that the worst that can happen between us, is that we become best friends…we’re not even friends at this point. A week ago I was at the beach with his best friend (the guy we have a mutual friend in common with) and of course I told him that he could bring my ex if he wanted to. My ex got mad at him for “asking such a stupid question” and refused to go. When I got home, I decided to message him on Skype because after thinking about it, I had realized that he broke up with me for my own good (so that I wouldn’t cry or worry about him in college) and I also apologized during the message.

He went offline as soon as I sent it, and deleted me off Facebook. Why? Because I was originally suppose to let him borrow my Pokemon game, but I gave it to his best friend instead because I don’t need it, and he wanted it. We broke up, how was I suppose to let him still borrow my game? Anyways, after he deleted me off Facebook, he began to flirt with this girl that I really hate (if you look at my posts, it’s the one from January, the one where the girl  ruined my life). He did that on purpose because he knew I could see it. And as if that wasn’t bad, he started messaging her, talking badly about me.

I’ve grown some respect for her actually, because she immediately shot him down and called him a little kid for doing something as immature as that. I now don’t hate her because of this.

It’s been a week since that’s happened and I’m still crying over him. I think to myself what would have happened if I had just kept my mouth shut and allowed him to go to the movies with that girl? I know that I’m not in the wrong and that he was just an immature kid, but I still can’t help taking the blame and being upset over this. He was the first guy I’ve ever cared so much over. I know we only dated for 2 weeks, but those 2 weeks were so special to me. We would always talk about the future, getting married, having kids, etc. so we were moving really fast. We had to. I’m leaving for college in less than a month, so in a way, we had to “pick up the pace.”

I’m mostly over him, but there are times when I think of the wonderful memories we had, and that leads me to becoming depressed again. I already have low self-esteem, and honestly, this breakup has made me feel even worse about myself. I feel as if I’ve just ruined my only chance at finding love. I was suppose  to hangout with friends today, but they all canceled on me. Today now feels like a boring and depressing day, and I just don’t want to do anything anymore. I feel worthless and pathetic and I don’t know why I can’t just move on…