so i starved myself for a couple weeks, ended up eating but purging,then ended up in hospital after vomiting stomach acid and blood.. told the doctors i wasn’t suicidal that i just couldn’t keep food down. Now in general i’m just really sick (physically) im also more depressed. i mean.. being watched all the time and being forced to eat by my parents is driving me fucking crazy. For goodness sake im 18 and im being treated like a child. Since 13 I’ve wanted to die, and nothings changed if not got worse.. so why cant i just have peace. its funny how i use to be such an outgoing bubbly character always out partying drinking coming home late hours of the morning, but even through all that i always used to feel myself really unhappy, there was always this feeling of pain.. even when i was laughing with friends or drinking i was still so depressed, all that was just a route of escape which clearly didn’t work.
well anyways im back on fluoxentine/prozac because i want to abuse the usage which i usually do. It actually makes me feel more suicidal and more brave to carry out my plots. it gives me this weird suicidal confidence. When i came off it last year i didnt overdose once, the only times i’ve overdosed is being on fluoxetine and obviously abusing the usage. while i was on fluoxentine on numerous occasions i would take up to 26 paracetamols in one go without even thinking. i just didnt care! and i loved that feeling.. the feeling of not caring about the painful consequences. I cant overdose anymore though.. the hospital will send me straight to the psych ward if i don’t die lol, AND I AM NOT GOING BACK THERE. so what do i do? i guess im just going to stick to starving.. i’v lost so much weight. the first few weeks is seriously hard and very painful, but now im able to control the pain and its almost comforting knowing im getting sicker. BUT FUCK all these damn food adverts and tv programmes promoting food.
and gosh with Christmas coming up its going to be so hard! bloody brainwashing happy bullshit; its fucking driving me mad. but its all good because even if i eat i automatically spit it out.my body doesn’t want it.
im so proud of myself for sticking to it up till now and you know what i really couldn’t care less about anything, nothing matters. i guess we all die one day but im just taking control of my life and how i want to die? whats so bad about that?
one other thing ill say is no matter how much trust and hope you put into a person to be there for you, even if they know your ins and outs and the things that really hurt you, don’t put all your eggs in one basket or put full trust in them.. its sad but i think in this world we only have ourselves, so love yourself embrace your pain, embrace you, & count only on yourself because when you rely on someone and they disappoint you in whatever form they do its going to fucking kill. i learnt the hard way.. but hey i guess one positive thing i took out from being hurt is to become mentally strong. To make ‘ME’ MY OWN bestfriend AND not MY WORST ENEMY.& now i’m at a place where i dont think im crazy, i love my brain, my thoughts and the fact that nobody can understand them is pretty cool too, its cool to be different.
life is nothing but an illusion guys, its just a game so never take it too serious, keep laughing and smiling till you die, even when i cry i find myself laughing because half the time the logical side of my brain kicks in and says, none of it matters bitchhhh!!!!
oh and if anyone wants to talk dont be hesitant to email me!! i’m always happy to help, i know what it feels like to have no-one to talk to or rely on so like i said im here if anyone needs me…(well till i die lol) email@example.com
its comforting knowing im not the only one wanting to die or feeling crazy like this, its warmth to a broken down ice cold soul like mine.