I honestly have no idea what I’m doing or if anyone will be able to read this I just want to get some feelings out. I’m 32 and my mom at me when she was just 15 years old she did everything she could to raise me and my brother by herself ( our father is a crackhead who repeatedly abused her, she was forced to marry him due to her age). No matter what I went through from falling out of a tree when I was 7 to my multiple surgeries on my knee and my failed back surgery on my back which led to pretty severe depression (major depressive disorder) and sever anxiety. She stood by me and never judged me and loved me the way I was. When I was a bit younger I would sled mutilate which she didn’t know about until I got older I worked through that on my own and haven’t done it in some time. When my mother was 35 she had bypass x5 and her mitral valve repaired and she came out of that very well but then in January of 2008 she started having a lot of problems breathing after many tests and ct scans and catherizations they found that her mitral valve had become completely calcified and she needed another open heart surgery but because she was so high risk nobody around us would perform it. We researched ourselves for the best doctor and we went to NYC where we found out if she didn’t have this surgery she was looking at 6 months to a year max. We went through with the surgery she ended up being on a vent for 5 days it was the longest 5 days of my life and I was never so scared. She did come too and felt much better afterwards but she kept getting these pains in her chest we would continue to address them with the cardiologist and pulmonolgist and got no answers. August 13 2012 we found out she was stage 4 lung cancer and that it was seen in 2008 during all those tests and we were never told. My mother suffered every day till she passed away on January 3rd 2013 and my life has completely fallen apart. Me and my mother were closer then most mothers and daughters I lived with her my whole life and she was the other parent to my 2 sons. My oldest son now suffers from depression and sever separation anxiety and I can’t seem to make them feel better. I try not to fall apart in front of them when she first passed away I couldn’t help it but I’m pretty good at hiding it now. I just miss her and having someone who was always there for my kids and me. I do think about suicide regularly but I am all my children have and I could never intentionally put them through that pain of losing another parent again. I guess I just need a friend I really don’t talk to anyone because of my anxiety and fearing nobody will understand what I go through everyday the internal struggles are just so much. Well I hope I did this right and thank you for listening.
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