I just don’t think I can do it anymore. I’ve been suffering with dysthymia since the seventh grade almost and fifteen now, but last night I think did me over completely. My family and I got into a huge altercation last night that led to words being said that I’d never thought I’d hear outside my own mind. “You’re crazy, bitch, you ruin everything, I don’t want anything to do with you” “You ruined my life” (coming from my own mother). I used to tell myself these things in my mind. Along with fat, slut, stupid, and ugly. But I just thought maybe it’s all in my head, maybe it’s just you. But hearing it come out of two different mouths beside my own let’s me know that it’s all true. I’ve been wanting to die for some years now but last night put the icing on the cake. The only thing that stopped me from really doing it is the thought of recovery. That maybe recovery is real, maybe I will soon start the progress of feeling happy sooner than I know it. That day never came.
I’ve never contemplated suicide so much until last night and I think I really wanna do it. I mean why not? The only thing that’s stopping me is the thought of it not working and I get discovered, thrown in a psych ward for evaluation and then put on a ton of meds for good. But I’m sure I’ll get over that soon. And I can’t keep bothering my best friend every time my craziness gets a hold of me, annoying him. I need to just end my sadness once and for all.