Hey, how are you?
I know I have probably stuffed everything up between us but I didn’t know who else to talk to. No one understands me. I feel like letting you go was probably a bad idea but I know it was for the best. I’m gunna be honest here I just don’t think you were as into it as I was, and thats okay. But I really hope we can be friends.
I have no one to talk to. And today has been really bad. I stayed home from school and I was just thinking and thinking about Sam about you about everything else that has gone wrong in my life. And all day I’ve been mulling over life and what the point is? I dont know if you know this but when I was a baby I slept all the time and was sufficiently underweight and mum had to force feed me. I was supposed to die as a baby. Maybe I was meant to. I spent today thinking about what life would be like if I didn’t exist. It would be a lot more easier for my family that’s for sure. I thought about doing what Sam did. I really thought about it. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to my friends. I couldn’t put them through the pain I’m in now. I couldn’t leave my students without a teacher, half of them wouldn’t understand I know but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it to my dance and drama teachers I couldn’t do it to anyone who knew me personally. No one should have to feel this pain, but yet I thought about it. Really thought about it.
Then trying to distract myself I started watching the vampire diaries. And there is a lot of death related stuff in there and I watched it, and for the first time I understood the feelings, I know what they are going through, but still that didn’t make it better. So I got in the shower and I cried, I must have stood in the shower crying for like an hour. Then mum came home and I plastered on my happy face and I pretend that everything’s okay. And it’s not. I just have to pretend like it is. I’m glad I have the gift of acting because then no one questions it. But it is hard and it hurts. But I’ve decided to live with this pain instead of causing this pain to the people I love, well for now that is.
Music helps. It does. But eventually music doesn’t have the same effect. I’ve started a wish book, where I write all my wishes in it so far I have 52. I have also started a thoughts book which contains all my thoughts, random sketches and stickers and etc as well as a quotes book. The quote book is my favorite because you can quote anything in there. Writing stuff down is helping, sort of but yeah… This is my day.
And I know that tomorrow I will get up and I will go to school and I will pretend to be happy and I will laugh at jokes and I will pretend that I don’t care about my feelings and that everything’s cool and people will believe it. Then I will come home and then I will go to dancing and I will plaster on the same happy face and no one will second think it and we will start rehearsal on Peter Pan and I will focus on that and I will rehearse and then it will finish and I will come home and I will be asked by dad and mum how my day was and I will say It was good and then I will go have a shower and get into bed and start the cycle again. All the while I am hollow and empty inside and my day wasnt good and I’m not okay. But I will pretend I am just for the sake of the people I love.
I didn’t know who else to go to because no one else cares. I don’t even know if you care anymore. Maybe I’m too stuffed up to be fixed or to weird to be cared for, but I need to say this and send it to someone and I don’t know why but you were the first person that came into my head.