When you tell a therapist all your problems and they say, “Wow, oh my gosh! That’s a lot to deal with at your age.” And then invite you to a stress management session, you know your life is shit. I’ve told many of my “friends” that I didn’t want to live anymore, and they always say, “No, no! Just stick it out. You’ll see. You have so much to live for.” And then I don’t.
My mother is abusive. She’s getting old and losing her mind, and now that I’m at boarding school I have to constantly worry about my autistic&&ADHD brother and what she’s doing to him. Speaking of which, my brother will probably never be able to live and function independently on his own. Everything I ever wanted to do with my life is going out the window now, because if something happens to my mom I will be the one who has to deal with my brother.
My dad died in November. He left our family in third grade to a nursing home because he had multiple sclerosis. When he was around, he and my mom fought all the time, all day every day. When he was gone, we would go to visit him and he got worse and worse each time. He died of distress, alone and depressed.
Every single one of my friends are fake. My most recent “best friends” stole my things, even though I would always agree to let them borrow anything. I was always kind to them, but they still refused to invite me to hang out with them and got very annoyed if I invited myself. They talked about me behind my back. My best friend A lied to me about a party we were going to and locked me in her car while she had sex with some boy. My best friend H cheated on her girlfriend with me, and then never talked to me again. When I finally reached her again, she pretended to be my friend but just wanted to hook up..she hated me again when I turned her down. The other best friends I ever had all ended up deciding I was annoying and left.
EVERYONE says I’m annoying, but I never know how or why. I’ve had people tell me just my existence was annoying. I finally got a boyfriend, who constantly hears from people how he “could do better” “is making a really bad choice” “has an ugly/fat girlfriend”. Not to mention he cheated on me.
I’m just smart enough to get into my prestigious boarding school, but sometimes I feel like the dumbest person here. I’m just above average, while everyone else here is a prodigy. Even worse our whole society is moving towards prodigy kids…what will people like me do? I want to be a doctor, but very few people make it. Especially someone who had to take Algebra II two years in a row.
I’m just afraid of death. The closest available weapons I ever had was a razor and pills. My liver is probably shit, since I’ve tried to suicide via pills a few times now. I’m thinking about walking into a car at some point, but then there’s the horrible chance I’ll be paralyzed instead of dead. I would LOVE to hear someone convince me that with a life like this I’m meant to be alive. It’s clear that some people don’t “win”, they are just miserable and alone. I say this, but the truth is I am constantly trying to find new reasons to live, people to love, and passions to follow. I wish I could quit.