A bit worried

Hello everyone.

Well, today I felt quite well. Saw some people, talked to them and had fun. Hadn’t really the time to think about all those things that makes me depressed, and managed to keep Loneliness away. Good for me, heh ?

I’m just getting worried. As I said in my first post, I’m afraid of speaking face to face, with open heart, with friends, telling them I’m feeling depressed, down, that I cut myself even more regularly than before and that I often think about suicide. It happens that, tomorrow, I’ll have a drink with a friend of mine, her boyfriend doesn’t want to go out and will be staying at their flat, so we’ll be alone.

I really consider her as a good friend, I don’t know if she knows (hell, does it matter anyway ?). Sometimes I think about telling her, but am afraid: I don’t want to bother her, I don’t know if she wants to know about it, and I am afraid of hurting her, I don’t want to worry anyone that I love. I mean, I’d rather stay silent, cry alone and feel worthless and lonely than her being worried because of me.

But, on the other hand I would somehow like to vent a bit, to tell her how bad I generally feels, that I cannot imagine living like this much longer. I know I’m weak and selfish, but I would like her to tell me that she’s here if I need it, that I’m not alone (although I actually am). This may sounds stupid ( probably because it is), but that’s actually how I feel.

I’ve been dealing with this and hesitating a lot lately, always choosing the “Do nothing and wait till it passes” course of action, but, this drink tomorrow may be the only opportunity to talk with her. And, well, I mean, I trust her, I’m not afraid of her saying nasty things about me behind my back, not the type y’see but… Even if it’s stupid, I’m somehow afraid that she could react badly and reject me because of this. Yeah, I know, it’d seem I do not trust her that much but… meh. I mean, when I try to see this from a purely cold and pragmatic point of view, I don’t think she’d do that. I just mean that I am afraid she COULD react like this, and this fear can be enough to make me stop this.

And, as I said, I don’t want to be a burden, to worry her, which really might be, because… well, let’s just say that, something like two months ago, when we were having dinner, she saw blood on my pants (I had cut my thigh earlier this day and didn’t noticed that it hadn’t totally stop bleeding), andmade a remark, half joking, something like “Hey, you should be careful when cutting yourself, you pour blood everywhere”. She didn’t realized that she was right, and when I told her two weeks after that I was indeed cutting myself, she was desolate and felt very guilty. We spoke a little about that after, and she said that she was worried and afraid.

That’s quite my dilemma, tonight, and that’s why I’m worried about tomorrow.

But, other than that, I’m quite okay, hope you’re feeling the same 🙂