I don’t know, so much shit has gone on and I just think ‘what’s the point in me?’ I have 4 kids, I haven’t seen my oldest in 6 years and my youngest is living with my ex’s parents who are mad wealthy. It sucks, I have nothing to offer them. My ex just ruined me and I had to give my kids up because I developed an eating disorder and I was so depressed I just stopped functioning.
I attempted suicide back in 2012 and lived, sad thing was, I lost 3 days of my life and nobody at all even bothered calling the hospital to see if I was alive. Nobody gave a shit. I’m completely on my own, I hardly see my friends, I work all day and even there nobody bothers to even strike up a conversation with me or even knows I exist. I’m the only alternative in my office and they made me move teams so I am even more isolated. I have nothing in common with anyone there, I have tried to make friends but they all think I’m not normal enough like them.
So all day, every day I sit in my office and stay quiet, every day is like the last and my only two friends I hardly see. (my male friend, I used to date but he said he needed to sort himself out and wanted to be my friend.)
I come to my shared accommodation, sit in my room and watch horror films or study. I attempted to join a group and I have meetings and do volunteer work for them but I just feel myself slowly dying inside. This time back in 2010 I was happy, I had my kids with me, I was going to get married and I had a house. Now I pay 300 pounds for a single bedroom where I have very little.
I keep attempting to pick myself up but I just can’t seem to get a grip on whats going on around me. What tipped it today was one of the girls at work, I used to be on her team, she walked past me and said ‘Oh wow! Hi! yYou know I never notice you anymore.’Â Like I’m that invisible to everyone in the office, that forgettable to my friends and I have nothing to offer my kids who are my only family. I can’t talk to anyone, I have nowhere else to go and I just want to curl up and die.
I think if things don’t look better by after this weekend I am going to prepare to shuffle off the mortal coil. I know a lot about poisons and herbs so I think I am going to make sure I take a lethal dose of the house plant my housemate has in the windowsill, she doesn’t know it’s toxic and I just need a few leaves to make a tea with. A few sleeping pills along with that and the agonising seizures and stupor I won’t even be able to feel. I don’t even know what to say to my kids, I mean, write them a suicide note? I owe them that much seen as I was so pathetic and couldn’t look after them. I figure that it will be around 7 to 14 days before anyone notices I’m missing. That’s if my corpse starts smelling prior to that. I want to make sure I’m dead though so the dosage I am going to take, I’ll probably strip that plant down to nothing and say the cat knocked it off the windowsill. I don’t want to fail this time so I have to.
I just maybe posted here to say that, I haven’t been able to talk to anyone for a long time and I won’t really be missed, nobody really notices me anyway. I had my test run last year and nobody gave shit so what exactly is the point in going on if I don’t have anyone, I can’t look after myself let alone my kids and I hardly have any friends?
I’m sorry you know? I figure that I just wanted to get it all out before I go do something. I don’t know if I want to be stopped or I want someone tell me how worthless I am to back me up or just for someone to listen or at least, read this and go ‘Oh.’ and move on with your life like everyone else does. I had a good run, I’m like, 32 years old and had my kids, had the love of my life and had the 9-5 job, seen a bit of the world and tried being a little wild so I have done some things anyway.
Ah well…. Thanks for reading anyway.
1 comment
Seek help, friend.