Well, I’ll try to keep it short. According to what I planned, I should have died the past October 22th. However, despite having overcome guilt and pain, I just could not make myself to do it. I was shocked. I planned it well in advance and I had no remorse whatsoever.
After my failure I was deeply disappointed with myself. I thought I had no option but to wait for a natural disaster, a traffic collision, a civil war or an illness to kill me. I was also very embarrassed for not having the guts required to catch the bus.
However, today I realized what was my mistake. The problem is that I thought the only things needed to off yourself are suicidal intent and suicidal tools. I always have a suicidal intent, and on October 22th I also had the suicidal tools. But I missed the third element, which is as important as the rest: suicidal drive.
What I call suicidal drive is that intense, acute, sudden, impulsive desire to kill yourself as soon as possible, no matter the consequences nor the pain involved. I had experienced the suicidal drive several times, but I lacked the suicidal tools needed to act on that feeling.
So the right thing to do is pretty straightfoward: I have to have the suicidal tools always ready, so when the suicidal drive arrives I can finally kill myself. The suicidal intent is of course a given, I have no reason to keep living and plenty of reasons to die.
To end this post I’ll tell you a little anecdote. Several days ago I felt the suicidal drive, so I ran to a store which sells ropes. I almost fell to my knees when I saw the building being demolished!. Anyways, I hope this time I can do it right. Thanks for reading!