I don’t want to die. I don’t want to give up, but I cannot continue living in agony and have the one person who is suppose to be there for me, protect, and show guidance; put me down and make me live in constant regret of my mistakes.
I have one possible chance at getting out of this hell of an environment. However, it seems unlikely that it may happen due to the lack of response.
How can anyone stay positive when you’re constantly put down?
You know I can’t afford to leave otherwise I would have done that already. But you threaten me regardless. You take advantage of that fact and don’t care if I end up on the streets.
You admit that you tell your gold digging **** of a wife to treat me like shit. You blatantly admitted that. Telling her that it is okay to tell my siblings I am a stranger. To hate me, to distance them from me when I have done nothing but love them and treat them well. Go fuck yourself.
You feed into her lies, her obvious lies which I have proven yet you push me. She throws things at me yet when I make a swing I am in the wrong. You defend her because she threatens to leave you therefore you condone her treating your first daughter like shit. She disrespects you and you take it. You are a pathetic excuse for a father.
I haven’t been there for you? I’m the only one that has been there for you. I was there to take you to the emergency room when you were in pain, I was there whenever you needed help understanding something you didn’t know, and I was there whenever you needed help to avoid a scam. I WAS THERE BUT YOU TELL ME I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING FOR YOU??? I AM SELFFISH? Go rot in hell.
I lived my life in constant regret. I finally realized that it is because I am consistently reminded of my mistakes. You only dwell on the negative things I have done, therefore I forever a fuck up. I could easily have ended up as a drunk or a drug addict but I instead strive so hard to find a job in this shit economy and pay for school to avoid debt. But even that has become unattainable and further pushed back to accomplish.
I don’t have a family that cares. I don’t have friends who are truly there for me during hard times.
I am told to keep my head up and to stay positive on a frequent basis yet how can that be possible when all that I try ends up against me and the one person I try so hard for affection shoots me down.
I feel worthless, pitiful, and not deserving of a happy life.
I don’t want to die. But if things don’t go through as planned, I know I have done all that I could.
8 years is enough suffering.
3 comments
A couple things come to mind when i red your post – they may or may not be useful:
“What other people think of you is none of your business”
Doing the right/good thing is still a good thing even if it’s for the wrong/bad people.
My point is – do what’s right and positive FOR YOU … let your inconsiderate negative family wallow in their misery. Do whatever you need to to get to a place where you are the master of your destiny … do what you can to get on your own and away from these types of people who are taking their negative lives and putting it on you.
You’re right – they are pathetic and useless – which means you are left to do it on your own … but you are ahead of the game since you already recognize this.
Instead of wasting energy trying to get them to behave better or recognize your positive and good actions … let them think what they will and apply your energy and time to getting away or at least laying the ground work to getting out and ending up landing as comfortably as possible.
Your writing is intelligent and eloquent – you can form several plans and contingencies to change your world – you’re right – 8 years is long enough – i think you got this if you focus on you and your future (excluding death) and reject the negativity those around you are feeding you.
dawg
@ Dawg ^ true dat.
I think being told you’re worthless every day is just as bad as being told you’re perfect every day, then realizing you’re not. You are what you are, not what people tell you that you are.
Have you ever been put out?… They can threaten you …insult, steal, lie, harass, etc etc… If she hits you again do not retaliate…instead…absorb, document and observe…that means take the hit; absorb…record whatever she does to you down in a journal and be detailed…that’s documenting the recurring occurrences of abuse so that you may have leverage in front of a judge if it comes to that…and then to observe is to basically be aware of everyone and everything so that you know what everyone is doing at all times… For example if your father leaves the home…and you’re there alone with the crazy lady?… Lock yourself inside your ro– no…barricade yourself inside your room…until you’re sure he is back…try to avoid everyone at all times until the day comes that you can leave…you can’t be certain of anything that you haven’t tested…you can predict and speculate all you want but it may be better to just take a chance and see what happens…
Good luck