I have a deep hole inside of me

January 9th, 2014 by mrkil

I am 42, married with a smart and beautiful 3 year old son. I have lots of people who love me and would suffer if I was gone.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse who last year finally reported the abuser who was arrested and plead guilty to two counts of indecent assault. He was then released with a firm talking to by the judge and nothing else.

I have a job I love that pays me well and i go to a support group once a week and see a social worker as well to help cope. I take a prescription of Wellbutrin and yet i still fell like I’m trapped and just don’t want to be here anymore. I attempted suicide in 1990 and was found and rushed to the hospital barely concious. I didn’t want to be found until the morning but had started to pass out with the TV on and my father found me.

I don’t want to hurt the ones I love but I want to stop from always feeling empty inside.

A friend and family member comited suicide of January 1st and I feel envious…..i don’t have the heart to tell anyone close to me how I feel

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6 Responses to “I have a deep hole inside of me”

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  1. Have you shared with the social worker the depth of your feelings? It might also help to share with your psychiatrist the nature of your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps there are reasons you feel empty that you’re not consciously aware of… and it might help to get to the root of those feelings.

  2. I haven’t shared this all with them. They know most of it but keep telling me how strong I am and inside i’m falling apart.

  3. It might help to share a little more with them. I used to measure out what I told my social worker or psychiatrist… and it wound up not helping me because I wasn’t giving them all the information they needed. As a result, they would think I was doing pretty well when, like you, I wasn’t doing nearly as well below the surface. I have/had a difficult time trusting people and that didn’t help the situation when trying to explain my most inner thoughts to someone else.

  4. You were able to tell us. I think that’s more important then you know.

    What happened to you… is obviously horrible. People cloest to us like to say we are strong as positive motivation whether it’s true or not. I am not saying you are not strong. Just because we fall aprt doesnt mean we’re not strong in general. Strong things can be broken.

    I understand the envy. Trust me I do but you have something amazing in your life. Your 3 year old son. Always, ALWAYS think of him when the thoughts of a release become strong.

    … as for the person who scarred you. If you gave me a name and loction I’d make sure he never harmed anyone again… but even if I thought you would tell me I would never ask for such a thing.

  5. You have everything, everything I swore if I had I would never, ever feel so alone. If you’re telling me that having all that love, support, and validation (which, I never will have from my abuser) isn’t enough, well god damn, what is enough?

    What happened, with your abuse, is horrible, but I wonder if since a friend and family member killed themselves it is genetics at play here. You may be more prone and susceptible to suicidal idealization. Also, wellbutrin, does not work. I don’t know why they even still prescribe that. It’s really only meant for smokers who want to quit smoking.

  6. I think the reason it bothers me so much is that I have all that should make me happy and I still feel like this.

    It’s funny you said wellbutrin is for smokers because I started smoking again…..
    I spoke to my socialworker and told her what is happening and my wife and I will be seeing her this evening.

    I wish all of this made more sense to me…..

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