Is there hope in the aftermath?

January 17th, 2014 by MissMandee31

General curiosity, and my apologies if this has been brought up before, I’m new here. Don’t quite know my way around yet, so forgive me. I’ve always wondered what is after this? Years of self abuse written like poetry in scars over my body. Years of self-hatred for everyone to see and stare at. One stint in the psych ward, and multiple suicide attempts thwarted and my mom or myself saying “oh no, I didn’t want to die, I was just overwhelmed” in order to save me from more stints in the psych ward. I never wanted help, I never cried out for help, I just self-harmed and sometimes people walked in and called 911.

Enough rambling, here is the point I’m trying to make. I still battle with self-harm and depression, although I am currently a college student; on my way to a degree in business and as I looked for careers with my degree I came to the realization that my scars are going to speak for me, for the rest of my life. I have already been denied minimum wage jobs because they didn’t “agree with any mutilation upon ones self for our customer sake”. I also have tattoos, on both of my forearms. Nothing insane, just a lily and Chinese letters which (I hope) mean very powerful things to me. But this too, has caused me difficulty.

The end of my issue is what am I to look forward to anymore? I have ruined the sanctity that is my body by burning and cutting myself. No reputable business is going to look at me degree and ignore my scars. I have read plenty of comments from people in HR departments in banks, or computer businesses saying that if two people are up for a position and are both credentially qualified, if one has a tattoo or an “unpleasant” image; they will choose the one more socially acceptable.

I’m an intelligent person who has made some damaging mistakes in my past and continues to deal with demons today; yet when I try to better myself and go for something I am good at and reach a goal for myself, society tells me I’m still not good enough, and I will never be good enough.

Forever frustrated.

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One Response to “Is there hope in the aftermath?”

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  1. Hi, I have been struggling with similar feelings and experiences. I came across two articles today that truly opened my eyes to the nature of suicidal and self loathing thoughts and feelings. I want to share this with you because when I read what you wrote it is as if you are speaking of a pain exactly as my own and I hope this brings you the same comfort it brought me. This article is long, but very much worth reading all the way through:

    http://www.lifewithoutacentre.com/essays-transcripts/divine-suicide-depressive-breakdown-as-a-call-to-awakening/

    This is a forum, but the ideas shared on this thread or novel to me and help to expand the notion of what it means to harm one’s self and to contemplate the death of ourselves:

    http://fruitofthecontemplativelife.org/forum/index.php?topic=340.0

    There is hope, MissMandee. (my very closest friend is named Mandee). The thought comes to me, who is to say that a corporate, judgmental environment is where you belong and will most readily thrive professionally? Perhaps the resistance in trying to secure such a position can be seen as evidence that such a position is not where you belong and you are destined for greater things?

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