Life spiraled out of control

It all began at a bar I worked at in 2009. It was NYE and I met a girl there who asked me to be her New Years kiss. She was extremely attractive, I noticed her the moment she walked in and was waiting for a good moment to talk to her. Eventually I did and we kissed over New Years and I got her number to take her out on a date the next time we met. Over the next 5-6 months we went out and had amazing sex. Here’s the kicker, the bar I was working at happen to be a gay bar, but I’m not gay. She kept irritating me by asking if I was confused or in the closet. It just bothered me more because I did ask her a few months into the relationship for her to be my girlfriend but she was scared that she’d be the fool if I came out while we dated. A few times she was always too busy to hang out and somewhere near the end of the relationship I had become a little tired of her antics. Little did I know that she was starting to really fall hard for me. I was starting to become depressed because at this point I was failing out of engineering school and my bills were piling up. Then I was evicted from a condo that my friend said belonged to her except it was in her mothers name. Her mom showed up one day and told me I had to leave. I found another apartment with a random guy from craigslist who turned out to be the worst person on earth. One day I was drunk and he had brought 2 girls over. I had no interest in any of them because I was really into the girl I was seeing. Unfortunately my new roommate was a manipulator and peer pressured me into having sex with one of these girls. I repeatedly told him no and he just kept badgering me. He obviously doesn’t understand the meaning of no, which I know now, because 4 women have accused him of rape. Anyways I ended up giving in and had sex with the girl. She had made
Me feel desired and not accused me of being something I wasn’t. She had herpes…and gave it to me. I did not know until I showed symptoms and had to confess to the girl that I was seeing because she may have been exposed as well. After she got the clear she practically told me goodbye. I was devastated. I caused my own demise because I listened to someone else. I was in so much shock because of what had happened I became desperate and needy to get her back which just made things worse. At one point I had pulled my pistol out and stared down the barrel while she texted me to leave her alone and kill myself. I couldn’t go through with it because I thought it was messy. Several months had gone by she had blocked me on Facebook, changed her phone number and basically disappeared from my life for 3.5 years. During this time I almost OD’ed
on large amounts of cocaine. I always woke up the next day with a horrible hangover instead. When I did drink, I drank large amounts of Jameson and tried using the suffocation method. Instead I woke up with plastic bags tied around my head with no result. I was extremely depressed because of the stigma herpes carries and basically kills your sex life. Unfortunately I have a very strong sense for physical appearances to be the first attraction and most of these people are very shallow, unaccepting of my condition or uneducated about it. Every day she was in my thoughts and sometimes she was in my dreams. Haunting me. In my dreams she wouldn’t speak to me because I had forgotten what she sounded like. Over the course of 2-3 years I dated a dozen women but because of my obsession with her, I was comparing them and this wasn’t fair. I began taking anti depressants. The first one made me feel pretty normal except it gave me erectile dysfunction, which I was not happy about because I was trying to be sexually active. I could not perform for 2 different women and I became extremely embarrassed and even more depressed. My doctor gave me another prescription. These prescriptions mess with your brain. I ended up buying a $2500 fish tank with my financial aid to therapeutically help me. The first week I was feeling a bit cloudy and acting strange. About 1 month in I was starting to feel normal again and had complete Function over my member. I went out and drank one night. I woke up to 2 detectives and 4 beat cops ripping me out of my bed asking me “where’s the gun?!”. I thought I had robbed a bank, but unfortunately it was much worse. I had walked into my neighbors apartment and into her room where she and her friend were sleeping. I had climbed into the bed with them and pulled her friends pants off and was fingering her friend. I was sexually active with this girl for the past month or so, which doesn’t make what I did right, but she did not like what had happened. I had absolutely no idea what I had done or could even recollect it because I was so screwed up on antidepressants and booze. The only information I gathered was the objectives of what happened due to the police report. I had to get a lawyer which cost my family around $3500 and more shame for me. They took my gun and convicted me which is now permanently on my record. I have told several people about having an STD and one person took it too far and spread the rumor which ended up in more humiliation for me. I began slowly picking myself back up, it took about 3.5 years. Then one day I run into my ex. I’m still smitten and the sight of her makes my heart race and my stomach drop. She’s as gorgeous as the first day I met her. I couldn’t convince myself to stay away. I turned around and tapped her on the shoulder and we conversed. She offered me her number while stating that I was the reason she changed it the first place. I didn’t think it was a good idea and told her that, but decided to take her number so that maybe I can get some better closure. I texted her for about a month until she finally responded telling me her bf did not want her responding. I really wanted to sit down and lay everything on the table and get everything off my chest and also hear what she has to say. Unfortunately I must’ve got carried away because she stopped responding and I haven’t had the heart to call and check if it is still her number. I can imagine that she stood for the last time I was sexually clean and free to see who I want and I miss the feeling associated with being with someone like her. I don’t know what to do anymore because the thought of not being with her ever again makes me so sad and I feel like I’ve gone through a terrible loss. She’s still here but out of my life once again. And now I just feel so alone, and I’ll never be able to stare into her eyes again and tell her that I love her. Lately I’ve been experiencing several panic attacks where all I can think about is how to end my life to make these painful feelings of loss go away. I’ve considered the exit bag since it is cleaner and pain free. I feel nothing except the fact that Im not living life, I just exist with suffering