Broken, bottled up, and abandoned.

February 9th, 2014by hatingnaomi

I guess I shouldn’t really feel abandoned, as I still have all of my family and they’ve been right by my side since day one.

This is my first post on here, so excuse me if I’m not correct in going about it.

My boyfriend died two days shy of a month ago. It could have been a suicide, it could have been an accident. Seeing as we were both highly sexual people and I found him hung up on a door with a belt around his neck and his pants down, auto-erotic asphyxiation doesn’t seem to be out of the question. But he was suicidal and depressed, so what does it matter how he died, only that he died. Poor boy… Always getting the short end of the stick. Beaten, abused, beaten again… just had a miserable life. He made the best of it, though, as best he could have. Even I beat him up… Used him as a punching bag, though I undeniably wanted the best for him. I paid for ever meal, bought every movie ticket, paid the bills when he couldn’t, bought the smoke, held his hand, slept in the hospital with him… I never abandoned him, though he abandoned me countless times. Heroin addictions, alcoholic, meth, ecstasy, fentanyl, you name it, he was on it. He kicked every addiction though, surprisingly enough, all on his own. I guess his latest addiction was kinky sex, which I guess I can be the culprit for. Weird how that’s the one that killed him, huh? Just my luck.

I guess this isn’t completely about him… After finding him in our apartment, I haven’t had the ability to shake my suicidal thoughts. I’ve had them before many, many times, being that I spent 5 years of my life in an online relationship that ended with a “catfish” as they call it now a day. The boy I talked about above took my virginity 3 years ago. He was so sweet about it, waiting months on me to be ready never mentioning his sexual desires. He took a lot of things, I suppose. I love him so much.

I was a bit motherly towards him in regards for caring for him and making sure he cared for himself. I was much more fortunate than he was, but I never let him feel any less loved until a bit recently. We were growing up and he just wouldn’t take care of himself… Letting his job slide, letting his portions of the bills go unpaid, and on our first few months of rent none the less! I was fed up, and oh man, did it show. But every night I told him I loved him and every time he cried I held him close.

Having him gone is really taking a toll on me. I contributed to his depression… How was I to know the future? If I had just known how serious it was… Shoulda woulda coulda, things every last one of us who’s lost someone has thought, huh. I’m no expert on how to take my life, but I’m surely ready for it. I’ve taken as many necessary steps to let my family know I’m sorry I am for the decisions I’m making and what feelings I’m going through currently. It’s going to devastate my mother and father, probably a lot more people than just that. And all the friends around me now, man, they’re all close to suicide. I wouldn’t be shocked to see one or two of them follow me up into the afterlife, if there is one, which you know, I’m definitely hoping there is.

I’ve looking into so many ways to off myself. My dad has guns lying around his house, but that’s definitely going to make him feel responsible. I don’t think I want to be hung up on a door either… I’m thinking gas might be the way to go, or I’ve taken a belt of my boyfriend’s from our apartment when we went to clean it out and I’m thinking of maybe attaching a heavy weight to the opposite end and suffocating myself. Drugs are easy to come by, so maybe that too…

 

I’m not really sure what path I’ll take, but sooner than later, I think the way I do it won’t matter as much as just getting it done. It sucks that one death leads to another and possibly more after that. This is definitely a prime example of the chain we all start by committing to taking our own lives. One person’s pain just spreads when we don’t feel it anymore.

I think I’ll leave a note beside me for whoever, probably my parents, finds me about wanting to donate my organs if they’ve found me in time for the paramedics to harvest them. Regardless, life on Earth sucks. I think that’s something we can all agree on.

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