I guess I shouldn’t really feel abandoned, as I still have all of my family and they’ve been right by my side since day one.
This is my first post on here, so excuse me if I’m not correct in going about it.
My boyfriend died two days shy of a month ago. It could have been a suicide, it could have been an accident. Seeing as we were both highly sexual people and I found him hung up on a door with a belt around his neck and his pants down, auto-erotic asphyxiation doesn’t seem to be out of the question. But he was suicidal and depressed, so what does it matter how he died, only that he died. Poor boy… Always getting the short end of the stick. Beaten, abused, beaten again… just had a miserable life. He made the best of it, though, as best he could have. Even I beat him up… Used him as a punching bag, though I undeniably wanted the best for him. I paid for ever meal, bought every movie ticket, paid the bills when he couldn’t, bought the smoke, held his hand, slept in the hospital with him… I never abandoned him, though he abandoned me countless times. Heroin addictions, alcoholic, meth, ecstasy, fentanyl, you name it, he was on it. He kicked every addiction though, surprisingly enough, all on his own. I guess his latest addiction was kinky sex, which I guess I can be the culprit for. Weird how that’s the one that killed him, huh? Just my luck.
I guess this isn’t completely about him… After finding him in our apartment, I haven’t had the ability to shake my suicidal thoughts. I’ve had them before many, many times, being that I spent 5 years of my life in an online relationship that ended with a “catfish” as they call it now a day. The boy I talked about above took my virginity 3 years ago. He was so sweet about it, waiting months on me to be ready never mentioning his sexual desires. He took a lot of things, I suppose. I love him so much.
I was a bit motherly towards him in regards for caring for him and making sure he cared for himself. I was much more fortunate than he was, but I never let him feel any less loved until a bit recently. We were growing up and he just wouldn’t take care of himself… Letting his job slide, letting his portions of the bills go unpaid, and on our first few months of rent none the less! I was fed up, and oh man, did it show. But every night I told him I loved him and every time he cried I held him close.
Having him gone is really taking a toll on me. I contributed to his depression… How was I to know the future? If I had just known how serious it was… Shoulda woulda coulda, things every last one of us who’s lost someone has thought, huh. I’m no expert on how to take my life, but I’m surely ready for it. I’ve taken as many necessary steps to let my family know I’m sorry I am for the decisions I’m making and what feelings I’m going through currently. It’s going to devastate my mother and father, probably a lot more people than just that. And all the friends around me now, man, they’re all close to suicide. I wouldn’t be shocked to see one or two of them follow me up into the afterlife, if there is one, which you know, I’m definitely hoping there is.
I’ve looking into so many ways to off myself. My dad has guns lying around his house, but that’s definitely going to make him feel responsible. I don’t think I want to be hung up on a door either… I’m thinking gas might be the way to go, or I’ve taken a belt of my boyfriend’s from our apartment when we went to clean it out and I’m thinking of maybe attaching a heavy weight to the opposite end and suffocating myself. Drugs are easy to come by, so maybe that too…
I’m not really sure what path I’ll take, but sooner than later, I think the way I do it won’t matter as much as just getting it done. It sucks that one death leads to another and possibly more after that. This is definitely a prime example of the chain we all start by committing to taking our own lives. One person’s pain just spreads when we don’t feel it anymore.
I think I’ll leave a note beside me for whoever, probably my parents, finds me about wanting to donate my organs if they’ve found me in time for the paramedics to harvest them. Regardless, life on Earth sucks. I think that’s something we can all agree on.
5 comments
Your story just brought me to tears. I suppose I am a bit bottled up myself. I just think you are too authentic and honest a person to leave this world. I would never judge you. I am feeling especially hopeless right now myself. Have been all day. all week…all the past year. I have been researching ways to commit suicide. I have never felt so alone. I feel your pain – I really do. You have gone through so much. You have experienced such heart ache. I dont know you. that doesnt matter though. Please just know I care.
I really appreciate that you care, treebythesea. Weird that you responded with your username specifically, as I’ve written in my suicide note that I’d like to be cremated and buried with a seed through a tree urn. My mom loves trees. I think it’d be nice for her to visit me by using my branches for shade instead of just looking at a headstone with my name on it.
I feel hypocritical by saying I hope you make your way through the pain you’re experiencing, but I really hope you find peace some time soon. I wouldn’t wish the pain I’m feeling on my worst enemy, let alone someone nice enough to send me their compassion. Bottling it up does nothing but make it worse with time, but because I can’t find my way out compressing it I don’t really know how to tell you not to hold it in. Here’s to hoping we both find comfort and release in whichever outcome we decide is our right path.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. To encourage another person when you are in such pain shows your heart and your kind soul. You were there for your boyfriend. You loved him the best you could in the midst of a challenging relationship. You were both young and doing the very best you could with what you had. You cannot hold yourself responsible. You are not responsible for his untimely passing in any regard. I would imagine from what you have written that you likely prolonged his life.
There is a thread of strength in your words. This is not to say that you should be strong or that you should or should not do anything- I simply want to acknowledge that you are a strong person and it is evident. You have a unique perspective and I am sure that you are looked up to by the people in your life.
Ultimately you are going to do what you feel is best for yourself and your soul. Regardless, I hope very much that you will give this some time. You lost someone you loved in a tragic way only weeks ago. You are in a deep state of grief . I would like to offer you a neutral listening ear and a blank page for you to write anything and everything you are feeling for as long as it takes for you to maybe, just maybe get to feeling strong and whole and maybe even happy again.
I cant imagine the pain you are going through right now. I will never judge you. Please dont hesitate to reach out. you can contact me anytime okay. yellowbirdsinging@gmail.com
ps: your idea about the tree is quite lovely…and it shows you love your mother. I know it seems like you will never feel good again- but you will. You are loved and you are valued by your family and your friends….
Hello Hatingnaomi, I have read your comment on my post Why it Ends. Thank you and I will reply to it shortly. I feel at a slight disadvantage now that you know so much more about me than I know of you. You should hold off a bit and post again. In regards to this post, I can relate directly to your post here when you speak of guilt in having your part. I am sorry you lost adam. I am not going to be hypocritical in any way and say you should not do this. I will just ask you to clear your mind, think what you are talking about through. You made a very sensible heartfelt comment in my post. What of that comment could apply to your own case? Something like suicide is certainly permanent. Is what your going through now something that could pass? If you are having trouble dealing with adams possible purposeful or accidental suicide from a guilt sense, I may be able to assist you with those feelings. I have been there personally in regards to my dads suicide.