I really did give it the ole “college try”

March 24th, 2014by benisalmostdead

I have had suicidal ideation regularly for well over a decade. I know we’re all in the same boat, but I’d like to at least to say I tried. I am in my mid 30s now. I am far beyond the “I’m a teenager being bullied, my boyfriend dumped me and life has no point” cry for help hoopla. I have kept in the game this long because society says, “don’t give up”. I have been wandering around for years searching as to why I should be here and trying to reason it all out with logic and reason…and I am back to square one today, asking “how”? How to logically deal with the world and the greater human race at large with the calamity called life. To me, life (in my own personal and present state) is illogical to continue. The cons far outweigh the pros, and there is no reasonable or logical like hood of any kind of improvement. Duration for X more years on this planet in a state of being “alive” will not lessen the cons; history has proven that the cons will only continue despite gains in the pros. Darwin has proven that life is only for the fittest. Those that are unfit, Nature weeds out so that those who are fit may propagate and improve the species. Life has been telling me for many years of my unfittedness, and I think I owe it a favor to just bow out of the race rather than being held up for no reason what so ever. I hear people say all the time when someone dies of cancer or another terrible disease in which there was years of suffering, “…at least he/she is at peace and they’re not hurting anymore”. Why do not people say that for suicide?? Clearly there was some state of great pain involved, and clearly that is no more. Even for the all too impulsive ones who succeed at their cry for help attempts and die, they no longer suffer. I am beyond crying for help when no one listens and life doesn’t improve. Being locked up in a psych ward for awhile doesn’t make life’s problems go away. Psych meds do not make life’s problems go away. ECT does not make life’s problems go away. Accupunture, reiki, yoga, chiropractic, exercise, healthy diet, spirituality (from Christianity, Buddhism, Paganism, and many other “isms”) do not make life’s problems go away.  They make you feel ok quite temporarily, but that is just abiding by the adage “ignorance is bliss”. So how do you handle life when the cons are quite severe and the pros can’t balance out? How do you handle life without a purpose and without being a burden? I have researched out all possibilities from the Western, Eastern, conventional and unconventional and nothing I have found so far has worked. It seems the only way I can deal with the world and me with it is if I have a fake smile on my face at all times. The moment any part of the real me shines through people get very, very scared and uneasy around me. But, if I’m smiling-everyone says how likeable, smart, funny, charismatic I am. I CAN’T stand that about people If there is something I have not tried then I am all ears.

METHODS TRIED:

meds-zyprexa, abilify, prozac, remeron, depakote, risperidal, seroquel, sinequan, trazadone, effexor, paxil, and many, many others

psychotherapy-countless hours with over a dozen different clinicians throughout the years

spirituality-Catholicism, Protestantism (in several different sects), Buddhism, Wiccan/Paganism and other forms of “magic”, Agnosticism

yoga

reiki

meditation

diet-veganism, vegetarianism, paleoism, “clean eating”

support groups-NAMI, DBSA, mental health clubhouses, etc

exercise-I’ve been to exercise/fitness retreats several times, personal trainers, etc

psychics

accupuncture

ECT

chiropractic

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CONS:

I’ve lost my children. They hate me and refuse to communicate with me. The courts will not allow me to see them.

I have herpes

I am an alcoholic and an addict

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, major depression, psychosis NOS, and others

I will not be able to drive for a year and half due to DWI

I have other crimes under my belt including assault

I am unemployed and have no degrees or formal education that I completed. I am a burden to society. (I live on SSDI & pension)

I scare people regularly when I am perceived as anything but “happy”. Even complete strangers.

I have a network of frenemies-but not one real friend in the entire world.

********

PROS:

I beat obesity-getting on uncountable psychiatric meds tends to make you really fat really fast.

I don’t drink or use drugs anymore-in thus I’ve made a choice not to for once (for a little anyway…but relapse happens)

I have a home (for now). I can’t mange it much longer-this will probably get moved to CONS shortly.

I quit smoking cigarettes

I have a girlfriend…for now. She is still relatively new. All the others got scared and ran away. I have a feeling time will tell and this will be CONS again shortly

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Thoughts anyone??

 

 

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