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March 9th, 2014by RadiantLight

So yeah, im new here and its really hard to write here although noone knows the hell who i am. Have been here now 2-3 months or so, watching other peoples posts n stuff. I can t believe its hard to write here bout my feelings, i mean noone here knows me and most guys here are quite nice. The void in my soul just so gigantic. Ist hurts so much. Its anxiety, i Know it. Sounds weird although i seemingly feel nothing anymore, i know im scared.

So this ist where i am. Feel free to just skip this post now. Im doing this cause i thought it might help to write things down.

Tomorrow im going to school again i missed again a week of school although i already had a new start after i missed 3 week s of school. I only was able to go to school for about 3 weeks i guess. Tommorrow i want to Start going again. The reason i missed so much is just that i fucking hate live and school and all the people. Im always alone at break and dont Do anything. I am a Social retard since i started middleschool. I can t connect with people. Im just so weird and icant be myself. I dont even know who iam and if i have a personality at all if it can  called one. It am so different in this shitty world. Like an alien i feel.i have one year of school left, will be finished summer next year . If i cant Do it i dont really want to live. So yeah tomorrow i will try to go. Hope i can do it. I dont want to die yet i have goals i want to achive. I want to fight for my happiness somehow. Ist just that this indifference and pain in my heart feel so strong. I dont want any thoughts of death anymore all day i dont want to feel like a walking dead anymore . I want to live and love, its not like i know such people like wich is why I want to be like that, although i suck. Im such a horrible Person  cause i dont feel able to love anyone not even my parents. I feel lonely, hurt, sucidial and unable to love.im So weak. I hope i can do it tommorow. People will be normal i know. But i know what they will think.“ Oh hes back . Wonderwhat  hes been doing again. He has some problems didnt think he would still go to school.“  Im So contradictory im scared of people and yet i say such things as above. Will i have a happy ending ?will i do it? I have a limit if i can t change in 2-3years im just ganna end it. Theres no point in life without change and personal misery. Its just a waste.Have a nice week.

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