Why not?

Hello I am very new to this site but I really just needed somewhere to vent. I have been thinking about suicide since I was about 10 and I would always make myself not contemplate it to grate lengths by asking myself how I would feel if a family member or loved one killed themselves, but recently I honest to god don’t think I would care. I hate my friends and I often think about killing them myself… and for my family, I really just don’t care about them anymore. I’m so emotionally exhausted I will have days where I just can’t even get out of bed. I was diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder some time ago and I take medications for that and at first they worked grate for a while (that or I was just so afraid of going back to the hospital that I stopped cutting and stopped voicing my unhappiness), but now I just look at the pill bottle and either scare myself with the temptation to swallow all it’s contents  or just want to throw the nightly pills away and die from the side affects of that. I am truly afraid of dying and so very scared of what might happen every day. I don’t wan’t to die or feel like this anymore. I just can’t think of any reasons not to kill myself and that thought alone makes me physically weak. I’m sorry if this paragraph came of as cold or unfeeling. I just have a tendency to try to detach myself while writing (and also sorry about my shitty writing I fucking hate writing in general) I feel I should also mention that I have severe anxiety attacks often and when I take the medicine for that it makes me stupid and boring instead of my usual charming intelligent self (wink wink to all the single peeps out there)