I’ve recently been told that I could possibly have bipolar disorder. I looked it up, and it sounds similar to what I experience. This isn’t the first time I’ve been told that I have some sort of depression, I’ve heard friends talk about me or even tell me to my face that I should get it checked out. I always try to look my best and happiest when I’m around others but sometimes it apparently either looks too fake and they know something is wrong or they just catch me off guard. I have mood swings, but I’m 17! I thought that was normal. I have suicidal thoughts and I have the means to kill myself if I wanted to, meaning I have an entire bottle of tylenol with codeine in my dresser. But I just don’t know what to make of this. I can literally be ecstatic one moment and then I’ll start thinking of certain things and then I’ll be in tears the next moment. I hate myself to the point where I have scarred the words “fat” and “pig” and “disgusting” ( that one was the most excruciating!) into my body and sometimes I’m the cockiest mother fucker around to the extent where I’m annoyingly narcissistic.
But honestly I don’t want to go based off of just similarities between symptoms I read online and a bipolar quiz on WebMD. i don’t really want to be diagnosed with anything, but I’m scared. I don’t like the flipping back and forth between feeling like myself and feeling like some narcissistic freak, and feeling like a self loathing piece of shit all the time. It’s something I’m not used to. I find myself getting depressed to where i’ve almost gone through with attempting to kill myself. at least twice already. I don’t want to have another episode where i actually do something I know i’ll regret later… if I’m alive afterwards. and even at times when I truly am happy it’s hard for me to let myself be happy because in the back of my mind I know I’m just going to be sad again later. i just want to know what’s wrong with me ( besides the obvious things)
8 comments
You know what the crazy thing is about your emotions any worries? They probably don’t even mean there is anything wrong with you. Society makes depression out to be this thing that means your too weak to handle real life or that you should be able to control it with the flip of a switch. Well it’s not that freaking easy. Depression is simply when the pain you feel outways the ways you have to cope with it. Suicidal thoughts are caysed when the pain in your life is too much for you to handle by yourself. That’s why it comes and goes, sometimes we feel support or extra strength and other days our knees give out and we just sit there unable to move forward. As for being bi-polar that is entirely possible but it would be nothing to be scared or ashamed of if you do have it. My dad is extremely bi-polar and medication could help him but for him that means he would have to accept that there is something “wrong with him” so he reguses to do anything. It’s silly, if you had a broken bone would you accept pain killers? If you had a learning disability would you let a tutor help you? Probably yes! It’s the same with bi-polar. All it means is that you brain is wored in a way that makes it hard to be yourself and be functional with those around you. I take medication for ADHD and its kinda a pain to take it every day but at least I can carry out a converaation
You know what the crazy thing is about your emotions any worries? They probably don’t even mean there is anything wrong with you. Society makes depression out to be this thing that means your too weak to handle real life or that you should be able to control it with the flip of a switch. Well it’s not that freaking easy. Depression is simply when the pain you feel outways the ways you have to cope with it. Suicidal thoughts are caysed when the pain in your life is too much for you to handle by yourself. That’s why it comes and goes, sometimes we feel support or extra strength and other days our knees give out and we just sit there unable to move forward. As for being bi-polar that is entirely possible but it would be nothing to be scared or ashamed of if you do have it. My dad is extremely bi-polar and medication could help him but for him that means he would have to accept that there is something “wrong with him” so he reguses to do anything. It’s silly, if you had a broken bone would you accept pain killers? If you had a learning disability would you let a tutor help you? Probably yes! It’s the same with bi-polar. All it means is that you brain is wored in a way that makes it hard to be yourself and be functional with those around you. I take medication for ADHD and its kinda a pain to take it every day but at least I can carry out a converaation
well, I’m actually kind of like your dad in a way… I don’t want anything to be wrong with me, but at the same time, I don’t want to continue on like this. I don’t like it. i can’t function sometimes, and it really bothers me. It’s gotten to the point where sometimes I just can’t even be out in public because I”m afraid I’ll just have some sort of episode and make a scene or something… I don’t even know where I would go about getting a proper diagnosis if i do have anything.
I understand a little about how you feel about flipping between two things that aren’t really you. I’m 16 but about 1/3 of the time that I feel pretty good 1 thought will pass through my mind and I feel like crying for an hour. As far as I know everyone deals with that kind of thing once in a while. I know beung depressed is part of that. You said sometimes you feel totally worthless and theb you’ll be cocky and sarcastic and narcissistic? Well I think I know why, because I have done the same thing. For me I felt like shit because of all the condesending comments I got from family, friends, kids at school, strangers all built up and I started beleiving them. As for being full of myself that was to make up for feeling so damn low all the time. It was me putting on a mask to cover up all my insecurity and self-loathing so nobody would see me being “weak.” I turned into a real jerk when I wasn’t contemplating suicide. I hated myself for feeling so bad al the time and I turned it into a hate for other people. I made fun of people, I was always sarcastic so I wouldn’t have to be genuine and ever risk opening up to anyone. After all who can really poke you where it hurts if you cover up all your scars with a bold, proud and sarcastic personality? My point is you need to find a place and a person that you feel safe with and let down that protective shield and trust that person to hug instead of hurt you. Everybody NEEDS someone they can trust and hold on to. Find someone who will listen and understand how to help or even just be there to let you cry and let out your true feelings when you need to. Please don’t hurt yourself anymore. You are young and you are fucking amazing in so many ways that you probably don’t recognize! You are strong, you have talents that you don’t even know about yet, somebody needs you too so you stay on this planet!! DON’T YOU DARE rob the world of your presence. IT’S NOT TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE.
I thought i was doing all the same things you mentioned.. you know covering up emotions and compensating for my self hatred. but honestly i really feel like i am the shit sometimes. I have days where I’m on top of the world, and i love everything and everyone, and then i have days where I will lock myself up and scream and cry until my voice goes hoarse. it’s so scary. i do try my best to appear like everything is fine and i think Ive done a good job of it so far but im just geting worried now. I’m glad to hear that it isn’t just me though. you’re a very sweet person, thank you for the kind words. it really does mean a lot.
Keep in mind you most likely are NOT bi-polar. We’re teenagers right? Hormones, insecurity, social instability, depression, stress, anxiety, trying to have a good reputation and who knows what else we’ve had to go through. Our generation has had a huge increase in suicide and depression cases. we have to deal with some hard shit that our parents and grandparents never dealt with. They grew up with a completely different set of problems, unluckily, that means most of them don’t understand as well as they should, what we have to deal with and how we end up doing so. I assure you it’s not just me and you who feel similar about suicide and depression. There’s nothing wrong with us, it’s very normal to go through these dramatic and painful phases when dealing with such huge problems and worries. If you do want to make sure you’re not bi-polar though the only sure fire way to find out it to go see a doctor about it. It might be scary or nerve-wracking but it will give you a definite yes or no. If it were me I would go to as doctor just to find out. Think of it this way. If tge dic says nope that means you srill have to find out how to help yourself and if the dic says yes you are bi-polar you might not have to find any other way for help. It won’t change who you are and it certainly won’t mean you are any less important or meaningful then you were before you knew. If snything you will just be able to know and understand yourself a little better.
Well I do have good news for you then! People who are bi-polar tend to not be aware of the violent mood swings they have and that’s why they never want to be medicated because they don’t thibk anything is wrong. You on the other hand can see it vlearly and want to change it! However since you seem to get pretty deep in thought about things like I do what you might be missing is something simple. I brood for hours about how awful and worthless I am one day and the nnxt day I can wake up feeling like I am living the dream. I never scream or yell though because my parents would flip out and j can’t handle that. Instead I cry silently or rip up my notebooks or tear up sheets and blankets. I know it can be scary to see yourself get so crazy out of control in your emotional rages and the more you hold in your feelings and the more you try to bottle them up and deal with them on your own the worse it gets. I am glad that you decided to post here because that is probably a huuuge step in the right direction. Even just typing or writing your thoughts out will help a ton.
Sorry for all my typos by the way. My phone is being dumb and it’s hard to catch them all when my small screen keeps zooming out.