Everybody thinks I’m okay, but in fact, I feel really worse and I hide it, because I want my parents to believe it’s going better. Actually, I feel more suicidal then before right now, really want to life this stupid f*cking life and world. But actualy I don’t think I have enough energy right now to kill myself, and to prepare my suicide, which makes me even feel worse. I hate it!! I just can’t even kill myself, because it’s going that worse, who would ever thought that?!
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I feel your frustration, Engeltje. Usually I can handle these feelings of angst quite well, especially when watching a war movie and someone says: “Over and Out.” Ugh, it drives me insane! But there’s nothing I can do about a careless production team who doesn’t do their research. When I think of committing suicide “in the moment”, I have to bring myself back or else I run the risk of leaving a very untidy mess for my family to clean up. What I mean by that is I’d rather have everything set up so if/when I do die, they’ll have the financial assistance to deal with it and not have to worry about any of my personal problems and so forth.
By not being able to go through with it right *now*, we’ve borrowed ourselves some time to think it over and really consider the outcome of taking our lives. Who knows, maybe we can distract ourselves enough that we abandon the idea entirely? I’m not sure about that, but have a good day regardless 🙂
That is called depression. 14.8 million American adults suffer from depression. You are not alone on this one. Maybe it isn’t helping your parents to believe that things are getting better if they aren’t. It sounds like they would be devastated if you died, so why not tell them? I told my mom eventually, and she helped me the best she could. I’ll be thinking about you.
@Shephard,
Thanks for your reply, you know, I read the word angst. We have that word too in the Dutch language, maybe it has the same meaning. Wait, google translate. Oh, yeah it means the same!! Funny :). I never watch war movies, maybe that’s because I’m a girl… Whatever. You know, my family is the onlu thing that stops me from committing suicide. I give a lot about other people, more than I give about myself, so I just can’t kill myself, because I’ll hurt my family with that.
You too have a good day and a happy Easter 🙂 (going to search for chocolat eggs in a minute, lol)
@ashley68@q.com,
Oh, I really hate depression, it’s just, I just hate it. I have a double depression, like who invent a double depression? Like one isn’t already good enough?! And I know it’s better tp tell them and so, but they already have a tough time, and I don’t want to make it even harder for them, because I know they can’t take that. Have a happy Easter 🙂 (you do celebrate Easter in the USA, right?)
LOL. Yes we celebrate Easter, I wish you a happy Easter too. Depression sucks the life out of you to the point of not having enough energy to off yourself. I remember when I started taking antidepressants and realized that I finally felt good enough to follow through with my plan. It was ironic, when I attempted suicide the doctor said “that means they’re working, give it more time, but keep a close eye on her.” WTF! Anyways, I kept taking them and going to therapy after I left the crisis center, and what do you know! It worked, I’m not on meds anymore, but I’m not sure I could have done it without them. Even though I made it harder on my mom, she thanked me for including her enough to save my life.
@ashley68@g.com,
I really hate depression, it just ruins your complete life. I tried several meds actually, ritalin, because they thought I had ADD (but I don’t have that), prozac/fluoxetine which is an anti-depressant, and seroquel/quetiapine which is an anti-psychotic. All of them made me feel worse, which is pretty normal in the beginning as you explained, but that worse feeling stayed also after 3 months, so they were just not the right meds for me, and then they stopped with giving me meds. I’m not sure if I can do this all without meds, but I’m also not sure if I want to get on meds agajn. My psychiatrist decieded to not put me on medication, so I think I’m fine with that.
Yeah, I was really happy to get off of the meds, they put me on Topamax for my bipolar and Seroquel. I hated Seroquel! I think the doctor’s were full of crap, even if the meds were helpful. Maybe they have to smack people they don’t understand with labels to make themselves feel more adequate. I really don’t think I have bipolar, maybe I was depressed, but I think it was more so that I didn’t have the coping skills to deal with my life. I went to a DBT therapist and found a lot of relief. Now when I feel bad I can escape to a happy place in my head and reduce my negative feelings.
@ashley68@g.com,
I hated seroquel too! I wasn’t myself and I was more depressed, but the only positive thing was that I slept better. But always remember: listen to your body and mind, because they know you the best. If you can’t find yourself in a diagnosis, then maybe it isn’t the right diagnosis.