Hello, I’m new here. I have stumbled upon this site before while doing research for my own sad suicidal thoughts.  I’m 24 years old and I am a wife, mother of two, and full time college student.  My life has been a constant uphill battle against depression, which started when my father took his life when I was 11 years old.  Sometimes I feel so alone in this world and I just want to disappear.  I wish there was a place where I could just be numb and have no feeling at all.  I started attempting suicide in my teenage years by cutting myself and then tried to use my father’s revolver, which did not fire when I pulled the trigger.  I have tried to overdose and I have seen therapists until I’m blue in the face.  After I was married and became a mother, I stopped indulging in my attempts and only play them out in my mind.  I would hate for my children to grow up with the same mind frame that I had.  I always thought that I was not good enough for my father and maybe that is why he left me that way.  My husband works all around the country and we barely get to talk anymore due to his work schedule, my schooling, and the kids.  I love him dearly, but he seems so disengaged when I try to tell him how I feel.  He tells me that he worries about me all the time, yet he never seems to listen when I talk.  I cannot blame him though, he has learned to cope with my state of mind and tries dearly to convince me that I’m a special person who feels more pain that normal people.  I have no friends here, and I’m hundreds of miles away from my family.  After six years of only seeing them once or twice a year, I feel like a distant stranger to them.  I walk the halls of my home at night with no one to hear my story and I just feel like a ghost in this house.  No one sees me and no one hears me.  Much of the time I wonder how many people would show up to my funeral if I did commit suicide. Would my husband and children miss me, or am I just a burden to them in this life?  My 4 year old has caught on to my depression, sadly.  I want to get better, for the sake of my family.  I want my children to see the happy side of my, not the lunatic who’s suffering from bipolar disorder and extreme paranoia at times.  It hurts me to think of how my husband panics when I miss more than one call from him for the fear that I have hurt myself.  Tonight I sit beside a 4 month old who has been crying all day long and I’m emotionally drained.  I feel like God has forgotten about me and left me here to wither away and die and I wish that he would just take me already.  Most days I refuse to leave my  house unless it’s mandatory that I go to school or grocery shopping.  I keep the curtains drawn and don’t answer the door if someone happens to come by looking for my husband.  My greatest fear is that I will end up like my father, and my greatest wish is that I might one day be happy with myself.  Thank you for reading this and please feel free to comment anything that has helped you become a more functional and happy person.
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Welcome aboard, and thank you for sharing your story.
I must of course give you my sincerest condolences for the loss of your father at such a young age. I too last my dad at the age of twelve, I am now twenty and not a moment passes by where I miss him dearly. I have to congratulate you for your marriage, your two children and the fact you’re also a full time student as well. Outstanding! That in itself proves you have the drive which most people in a rut so badly need, and thus I am confident you’ll overcome this. As you’ve said, you wish someone would listen to your story in the absence of husband; I’m willing to lend a listening ear if you’d like?
I’m a shut in, only venturing outside for appointments/essentials and such, but I still like to wander across the city if I get the time. Maybe you could take your kids for a walkabout too? I think in my case…self reliance and freedom to move as I wish have greatly contributed to my coping with suicide and depression. I always need to keep distracted or otherwise “engaged” with something as well. Perhaps you could attempt the same.
Anyway, thanks again. If you ever need to talk, I’ll be here 🙂 Enjoy your evening.
You live far away from your family but your husband is never home due to working all over the place?
My Advice:
This semester is almost over. Transfer your credits or take a break from school for one semester.
Move yourself and the kids home to your parents for a little break. If you have a decent relationship with your parents/next of kin, you should talk it out with them. Tell them you have hit a rough patch and need some help; you feel like your drowning, & etc.
But I’m serious about this. Take a fucking break.
Take a fucking break before you hurt those kids. Get some respite care. Raising kids is enough to drive anyone insane, especially when you are on your own. AND ESPECIALLY WITH A DIAGNOSIS OF BPD.
No one can blame you. And if they try to, fuck ’em. Moving back home for a bit isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you or those kids.
Taking a break from school isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you or those kids.
Putting them in daycare isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you or those kids.
At least think it through properly before you go all suicidal.
Make sure you have life insurance for those kids. I’m just saying. No one can be a responsible parent all of the damn time, but you don’t want to really fuck them over.\
I mean, unless you do. I guess you might hate them. I don’t know the dynamic too well.
But if you die without life insurance (read the suicide policy very carefully), how ever will they grow up to cope with it by paying for things like therapy and psych meds or street drugs?
But what would you care, you’d be dead.
Sounds like you have been rapid-cycling. Are you on lithium? Do you take any mood stabilizers?
ModestTruth- I love my children very much and would never hurt them. If I feel too overwhelmed, I walk outside and take a 5 minute break to clear my head. most life insurance policies state that you cannot commit suicide within two years of the start of the policy. I always thought it took a lot of discipline for my father to wait that long because I know that was his plan when he bought the policy. Also, I do have insurance myself. I moved close to my family for a while and then realized that they made matters worse for me. Also, school is my only contact with the outside world and I think it helps me. My goal is not to commit suicide. I want to get better and I’m only taking Wellbutrin at the moment. I don’t think it’s doing the job anymore though, so I will be speaking with my doctor soon.
My best friend committed suicide on March 14th. She had an account on this website that i just came across and she had posted asking about ways she could do it, and my already shattered heart broke a thousand times more as i read the comments telling her how. As much as apart of me wants to respond with so much anger to anyone who encouraged her in how to end her life, a bigger part of me also breaks for all the others who were in her same numb state. She had talked with people about how she had shut her friends out in order for us to not feel as much pain, and she had also hoped that no one would find out because of her not responding for so long. If only she truly knew how far from the truth that really was. We could never ever ever just forget her.. we were so worried that we weren’t hearing from her and when we found out what happened.. my heart physically broke in two. No matter who you are, or how you have been treated, you are a beautiful person with beautiful potential. There is always hope as hopeless as things may seem. I use to be suicidal myself and struggled with depression for four years. I once too felt like things would never change or never get better. If my beautiful friend would have truly known how loved she was and how broken we are all now because of how much we miss her and want her back, she would have never ended her life so soon when there was so much more time for things to get better.
I mean this with my entire heart — if you need someone to talk to, even if you feel like there could be no comfort from a stranger, I assure you I genuinely care about a life that could possibly be lost, even if I have never met you. Everyone has a story and that story doesn’t have to end early or so tragically.
There is more to life than what is going on currently. Think outside of the emotions and the pain. There is light at the end of the tunnel you just have to continue towards and not stop midway getting caught up in the darkness or you’ll never reach the light.
I will never be the same after losing my friend, and the pain we are now all in is greater than my friend ever imagined.
You don’t realize how valuable and precious you are. Your life is worth so much. Don’t let your circumstance or the people and awful things around you determine how good or bad things will be.
If you need someone to talk to, please talk to me. Do not give up. THERE IS HOPE. No matter what. No matter who you are. My email is theldbproject@gmail.com
Please talk to me if you need me or want to just chat about what is going on. I’d love to help you through what you are going through.
Good. Seems like you know what’s best. But I’ve never seen an MD put a bipolar pt on just Wellbutrin. You need to be on a mood stabilizer, not the weakest possible “antianxiety/antidepression” med. A mood stabilizer is the only thing that’s going to help long-term.
And if he/she does put you on lithium carbonate (plus an anti-seizure/anticonvulsant med), you can only take it as directed. Unless you want to run the risk of toxicity. Anti-seizure medications help prevent irregular brain activity and can help people with BPD maintain their cognitive clarity and emotional stability.
I’m glad that you love your kids and wouldn’t harm them. But in a way, it’s kind of a moot point. If they were old enough to understand that you were on this site or even contemplating suicide, it would for sure harm them in some way. And your four year old… Of course he knows something is up. So does the baby. Babies and children always know. They are a thousand times more sensitive to body language and vocal tone than any of us adults.