Don’t read this if you don’t want to, you probably have better things to do.
I’m a 15 year old boy. I haven’t been diagnosed with depression but it’s not necessary. I’ve been depressed since I was 11. I started cutting a year ago. I feel worthless and alone all the time.
It was when I was 11 that I found out how easy is for people to use you when they need something and then forget you immediately. It was when I was 12 that I found out how your “friends” talk shit about you at your back and criticize you in your face. People always say that you have to leave past things in the past, but every single mistake I make torments me over and over.
2 years ago I met a girl who is in a worst situation than me. She became my best friend. I thought I could talk with her about my problems, but in the end she doesn’t care at all. My heart breaks when she feels sad, and it’s worse because I can’t do anything for her. My already destroyed heart broke even more when she gave me her Facebook account and I found out that even she talks shit about me…
All that stuff combined with more things like failing in love every single time has made me a very shy person, who doesn’t try out anything because of fearing failure and who isolates more and more from others. My life is a waste isn’t it?
The worst part is that there are people out there in a worse situation, but still I criticize my life over and over again. I shouldn’t. People say I have a wonderful life, but I’m the only one who doesn’t think that. Besides my best friend, everyone I tell my problems to could’t keep them a secret and now everyone criticizes me.
I have this feeling of hope that will never come. I daydream with a better life all the time. I just want all to end.
If you read this, thank you. Sorry for taking your time. I thought writing this would help me feel better.
2 comments
I know this might sound like standard advice, but you are still young. People at your age, tend to talk shit about everyone (and not just at your age, now that i think about it it’s a pretty normal thing). The girl you met most likely falls in that category and finds it normal, like lots of people nowadays, not all are like that tho. Keep in mind that if you do have a best friend, and you don’t go around talking shit about people, that just points out you are not wrong there. You just need to meet different people who have the values you do, but isolating yourself won’t help.
I suspect these were known as “fair-weather friends” back in the 20th century, but now the storm has blown in threatening shipwreck. The argument the world makes that someone else stands worse off than you do is a red herring meant to divert attention from what’s really going on for you. After all, for 6,999,999,999 people it is always true that someone else has it worse. People who make this kind of “count your blessings” statements are really laying on guilt trips, not trying to help. Only one person in the world can be at the bottom. I don’t have much advice except to note that cutting is a significant risk factor in suicide. To kill yourself, you don’t have to be worse off than anyone else–it just takes being bad enough off to motivate the thing.
When I think about doing it, it never helps when others tell me things will get better with time, that it’s a temporary problem. So I won’t try telling you this little lie. But it has a grain of truth for me–while the sadness of life is permanent, my particular problems have changed from time to time, so that the ones I see now differ from the ones I had as a teen. Life doesn’t get better, but it doesn’t usually get worse either, at least from one day to the next one. So, I can always kill myself later if desired–there is no need to do it now. I doubt your life has been a waste because your writing shows you are learning from it, becoming a man who will make his own decisions.