I don’t know how to start this
But I feel like I need to get it out there
The words that are stuck in my throat
They need to come out of the darkness
And into this world because if they dont
Im just going to keep bottling it up
I guess I was always okay with what I looked like
Then one day that changed
I got more self conscious of my weight
My hips, my stomach, my waist
All of it I hated because it was never perfect to me
My hips were never wide enough
My stomach was never flat enough
My waist was never skinny enough
So I started starving myself
I would skip breakfast each day
And then I wouldn’t eat much for lunch
I would eat about half of a handful of crackers
Then at dinner I would nibble
It was not the best way to lose weight
But I lost weight
I would measure myself ever so often
Over the course of a few months
I lost around a foot of fat
I was okay with that
But I wanted to lose more
So I kept starving myself
And I still starve myself
Because I know if I lose maybe just 10 more pounds
Then I’ll be satisfied with what I look like
Just ten more pounds
Then maybe it’ll go away
My Anorexia
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4 comments
I’ve suffered with Bulimia for the good half of six years now, I was quite chubby as a kid, and I made it my mission to still consume a lot of food but rid myself of it all the same. It comes back every now and then, trolling me from time to time and reminding me that I’m still not okay bodily wise…or mentally for that matter. It’s caught up with me health wise, but I can’t help myself, right?
Good luck moving forward.
This is definitely a hard struggle, I’ve dealt with myself. A whole foot of fat . . . geesh, that’s hardcore. I would personally be hospitalized with that much off. I know this is a very overlooked thing, and I know we think we’re not “perfect”. What is “perfect”? “Perfect” is fictious. We are not a human without [a] flaw[s]. I know it is so hard to see this about ourselves, but know you never have to change for anyone, not even when *you* think you’re ugly. We will always beat our own reflections up. That’s what life is . . . striving to be better. And we just have to learn, the right ways to get there.
Good luck, LetItGo 🙂
If you must dwell in self-loathing, then… “Don’t hate your body because it’s too fat or too thin; hate it because it’s a prison of flesh and its existence is meaningless.â€
Negative reinforcement, maybe; I don’t know. Feel free to send me a virtual bitchslap – I won’t slap back; just walk away. [Ooh~ watch me strut… whoa, did you see me trip/stumble/fall?]
I’m not trolling you. (â—__â—) Sorry about your ED.
GL.
I know this is WAY late, but I wanted to say to StruggleOn’s ” ‘perfect’ is fictious,” so what? I am fictious too! As christians we are called to be blameless. As people we want whats best. But we know how darned close we can get. Just another ten pounds for me. But then only my weight will be that low… I’ll still look SO fat. 🙁 But by then I’ll have a BMI of 16, which I told myself I’d never go under. I felt that was low enough. Now I want atleast a BMI of 15, which would mean losing 15 pounds instead of 10. I feel that then I would have a low enough amound of body fat. Again, sorry for commenting so late. 🙁