I’m new here so I hope I don’t stuff this. I’ve been feeling really down now for about 8 years. I’ve made many soft attempts at suicide, I guess in an attempt to get help. I am becoming more and more depressed to a point where I can’t function in almost any way. I used to have such pride and such a desire to keep trying even if I felt all the demons circling me every day. Now I couldn’t care less about anything and I miss caring even if it was in a small way. I have nothing going on in my life. I’ve lost everything and everyone and now am alone with no friends, no job, no family and no will to live. I think about suicide every day and wish that I won’t wake up in the morning but every morning with a sigh I have to get up. I want to take my life but on the other hand I feel so frightened that it will hurt and I will writhe around in pain to no avail. I just wish sometimes I had access to a heart stopper or some magical lethal injection that will take the pain away.
4 comments
I know how you feel, or worse. Did you ever feel the real possibility of death in your “soft attempts”? Because you might find you want to live more than you can imagine when you really are facing death and don’t know if you’re going to make it. The things you want… friends, money, family etc. are possible to attain but you’ve got to fight for them. It’s got to come from somewhere in you because if you don’t the world will beat you to your knees and leave you there until you decide to fight back.
Thank you for your reply. I guess I am not certain what I want. I have tried now for years to maintain normality and stability. I had finally achieved a life that was appreciated and cherished but after I lost all but one family member that has made it very clear they don’t like me despite my best efforts to change that, my job (against my will, very long story), my home and my partner. It all fell in on me again. I dunno I know I’m probably an idiot that has no right to feel this way when others have deeper pain, I just feel like every time I pick myself up and try again, something even worse happens. And by ‘soft attempt’ at the time I didn’t think it was but I was much younger and retrospectively feel like I wasn’t even trying for whatever reason, maybe a lack of proper knowledge in the logistics or maybe I wasn’t ready. All I know is that it’s hard to seek help when you can barely get out of bed.
If you miss caring about things and you have lost everything i guess you could always start from scratch. You could also say that now you have nothing to lose. The thing is that you never know if the new life you’ll build for yourself will crumble down like the last one after some time, and every time you start anew it’s a gamble, that only you can choose to take.
Jobs change, people get fired, people goes away, few stay, few things are constant. Stability comes and goes even for the lucky ones who hold it for most of their life. Sadly it’s something that everyone has to deal with on a daily basis, some more than others, but if you still want to you can give it another shot. I might be wrong but it does sound to me like even if you are lacking the drive to do it (due to everything you have lost), you do want to, and if there are still things you want to accomplish or experience, why not?.
” I guess in an attempt to get help”,
that can be a very positive thing… Do you feel you can be helped? Do you know what would help you?