Daddy’s Lil Soldier

My Father Was Ex-Commander In Chief In The Army.That Mustve Messed Him Up Becoz That Man Was Anything But Normal!I Couldnt Call Him”daddy”Or”my father”Becoz He Wudnt Allow It.Made Me Call Him”sir”Or”Mr(Last Name)”.He Treated Me Like I Was One Of His Army Groups Or Whatever.This One Time,My Mom Was Working Night Shift So It Was His Turn To Come Fetch Me From School.He Came Hours Later!He Found Me Crying Cold,Hungry And Alone,Said Some Shit Like I shouldve Walked If I Wanted To Get Home Earlier(I WAS 8YEARS OLD!!).My Dad Wasnt The Emotional”come give me a hug”Type.He Was A STONE,Or Anything Harder Than That..Tar..He Was Tar..Concrete!He Would Tell Me Any Score Under A 100 Was A Fail To Him And I Shud Never Ever Get Anything Less Than That Becoz He Didnt “create”A Failure!I Remember Him Saying I Better Start Doing Things On My Own And Get Used To It Becoz Aint Nobody Gon’Help Me Later In Life.Confusing This With LOVE I Never Protested.At The Age Of 8 I Had To Know Exactly What I Wanted To Be And How I was Going To Attain It.I Was Always Under Pressure,Playing The Perfect Daughter Not Wanting To Disappoint My Father!He Never Once Said That He Loves Me,Those Words Never Came Out Of His Mouth.On My 9th Birthday He Bought Me Parts Of A Bicycle And Gave Me 2Hours To Put All The Pieces Together(by this time my mom had left his ass)So He Could Only Have Me During The Holidays.I Spent Hours In The Garage,Trying To Ensemble The Bicycle.While He Sat There,Watching,Howling Insults,Giving Looks Of Disapproval And Disgust,He Said I,ll Never Make It In Life If This Was My Attitude Towards It.I Wanted To Scream”I’M 9YEARS OLD YOU DUMB FUCK”but I Wouldnt Dare,I Feared Him,It Wasnt Love,It Was Fear.Before He Stood Up To Leave He Said A 1year Old Blind Child Couldve Done The MISSION Withi Seconds!One Night During The Visits He Woke Me Up To Have”the talk”Said He Had Some Concerns Becoz I was Carryin His Last Name And I cudnt Even Complete A Simple Task.He Then Proceeded To Tell Me That The World Is Full Of Big Bad Wolves And Soft Puppies Like Me Didnt Stand A Chance!With Him,It Was Either The Best,Or Nothing!No Inbetween,No”atleast you tried”You Either Win Or You Lose.By The Time I was 10 He Died Of Pneumonia(lung infection)But I Was Already Messed Up Emotionally.Becoz I Was His ONLY Child And He Never Re-married After My Mom Divorced Him,I Got To Inherit His Money.Fast Forward To 10years Later(I,m 20years old now)And I,m Still Hard On Myself,I’m Involved In Almost Everything At School,Debating Team,Academic Achievers,Sports,Volunteer Work,Just About Anything You Can Think Of..Good Aint Good Enough!Ofcoz I Realise Now That This Is All In My Head.My Mom And Super Cool Step Dad Are Soo Supportive And To Them A Score of 80 Is Good Enough.But Honestly,I Don Feel That Way..I wasnt”trained”That Way.I Never Talk About Him Or All The Many Other Horrible Things He Made Me Do(no energy to get into details)Becoz To Everyone That Knows Him,He Was A Noble Soldier,With Grace And A Man Of Statue.No One Will Ever Believe My Story And His Dead Now So Its Whatever!”people live and people die,crying ur eyes out wont bring them back “Is What He Said To Me At My Grandfathers Funeral(his father!)I Wasnt Even”allowed”To Fall ill As A Child Becoz He Would Just Tell Me To “stop it!stop sneezing,stop that,what do you call that,stop catching flu”Smh..It Just Urks Me That Even When His Not Here..He Really IS HERE..Thoughts Of Him Always Leave Me Feeling..Worthless..Like A Piece Of Useless Trash.I,m Just So Tired Of These Stupid Thoughts….