There is so much fear. I want to go back to school this fall to finish my degree but I’m not sure how I am going to survive. I had big dreams of graduating and going on to MIT for graduate program or even just getting a job and being responsible. I feel like I am falling apart here. I feel as though I am either normal or depressed and not functioning. I don’t trust medication and I don’t trust the doctors who screwed me over. I became depressed on birth control, then took Prozac, was abusing Adderall in between to finish deadlines and the whole experience has just been a mess (Prozac induced manic state and led to being prescribed lamictal and lithium which made me catatonic). When I was younger I was always more sensitive and moody as a child though so it could very well be biological. I feel as though other people do bounce back quicker from emotions and are less triggered by outside stimulas that stresses me out or can just bum me out completely. I’m not writing off medication completely. What happened to that girl who was offered a full time job by one the most notable companies her junior year? Where is the girl who was on the verge of starting her own company and had meetings with investors that wanted to be a part of it? Down the drain with no chance of being worthy of an internship now apparently. I hate myself for making the wrong choices that led me to where I am now.
I am also not in the financial situation to continue school and I understand this is a risk but with the potential investment to make more and succeed. It would also require that I make amends with my mother. I know she went through a lot when my father passed away but I still can’t forgive her for the actions she was continued to make. When I was hospitalized she estranged me from my grandparents, but I also realized then that they did not understand what I was going through and sympathized with my mother for having to “deal” with me. She is always trying to force me to live with her because she is lonely but I would rather be dead or homeless. I remember when she called me a whore because I had admitted I was sleeping with my boyfriend of 2 years rather than lie to her. I was 22 at the time and an adult who was having responsible sex with a long term partner. She still treats me as a child and is emotionally manipulative and tries to guilt those around her. I understand her motivations, she has driven away my sisters from being a terrible mother and now is scared of being alone. Lately she has been nice and wanting to talk things over but I’ve fallen for that too many times to trust her. It always gets to the point where I am thinking of hanging myself. Even with my boyfriend, sometimes he can say the wrong things and it is just a trigger. I can’t help but hate mothers who do not have the emotional capability to raise a child in a secure environment but instead subject the child to cater to the mother’s needs and insecurities (or even to have to suffer just being in this world). The problem is my mother is the only one with enough liquid assets to pay for my school and the tuition is very high as it is a prestigious private college and even then it would be almost all of her savings that she was hoarding for retirement. It was originally money my father had left us so don’t even get me started. But the money is dwindling down and even with a scholarship the tuition is just too high. I can’t just go to a community college to finish my degree because my studies are concentrated in design and I would need to start over completely at any other school. Part of me would rather not have to ask her for money but then I know I will never get anywhere in life. And stupidly, part of me still worries about making enough money to be able to support her later in life as she is very sickly (fictitious disorder) but I also feel sorry for her because she is still suffering and there is an underlying cause.
My sister has offered to try and pay for some of it but it would completely wipe out her savings and I can’t do that to her. I also feel badly taking the money from my mother, not only because she uses it as a way to control and guilt me, but she has had to pay for over six years of my college because I can’t seem to finish on time like a normal person (oh wait it was because I was working so many part time jobs trying to support myself). I feel badly because I am so high maintenance. I hate the summer heat and she would never turn on the A/C because she said it was too chilly for her (or maybe she just didn’t have the money to spend on a luxury). She is a woman of superstitions and still believes that one catches colds from not wearing enough clothes. I understand every mother is just trying to do her best and everyone makes mistakes. I can’t help but wish I had been aborted and never brought into this world. Is it bad that I am always so thankful when someone here says that they would never have children because they would never want to subject their child to this world? How wondrous and responsible that people have the intellect to make that choice.
My boyfriend is trying to help by finding an apartment so I wouldn’t need to pay additional for housing. I am worried though, if I make the same mistake, by either not succeeding in suicide or messing up again. He says it would hurt him so much. I can’t keep living for the few people who want me around though. I hate how I’m just a life drain, sucking up everyone’s resources and can’t even make anything out of myself.
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Sometimes you have to do things you don’t like in order to go on (that’s if you want to keep on going of course). I can relate to the relationship you have with your mother (mine has done some really screwed up stuff that has affected me in many ways), and time after time i believed her and wouldn’t you know, same thing over and over, until it reached an all time high where she set the stage for me to lose one of the most important things in my life. Even if she didn’t mean it… still happened, and i had to learn to accept it. I try not to blame others for my mistakes most of the time, and still i had (and still have) a hard time justifying her actions.
After that i’ve never questioned taking help from her, because i see it this way: she wants to have me close, and i’ll never go close to her (at least in a real emotional way) again, but if she feels closer by helping me (and if really need it) i’ll allow it. Even if it can be seen as me taking advantage i don’t see it that way, since a) she decided to give birth to me, b) she screwed up real good time after time, c) i don’t feel like i owe her after taking her help i see it as compensation for all the screw ups, d) she actually feels better even if she knows our relationship won’t ever be the same again no matter what she does. So maybe it’s in your best interest to take help from her, knowing the consequences and embracing them, but drawing a line (since your relationship is sketchy).
What i do have to say, everyone will say wrong things over time, and (usually) don’t mean it and don’t know how they affect you since they aren’t in your shoes. If your boyfriend, sister, and even your mother (with all the issues you two have) want to help you and support you, maybe you should give it a try (only if you really want of course). If it doesn’t work you can always consider suicide again at a later time, and if it does work you can always compensate them for helping you later. Better to exhaust your options first.
sorry for your confusing situation, but she’s your mom & she loves you, please think of her cuz she feels lonely. & dont give up to complete your study, sure u can find a good way to arrange everything.
if u want to talk to anyone, just email me & i’ll reply gladly. 🙂
‘Is it bad that I am always so thankful when someone here says that they would never have children because they would never want to subject their child to this world? How wondrous and responsible that people have the intellect to make that choice.’
Not bad at all, some of us don’t get lucky in this lottery, personally, my brother has all the qualities and success in life that I lack. I also applaud that decision when others make it. I’ve had three abortions myself, and it was only a combination of terrible circumstances including severe mental illness and hospialisation, that led me to have any kids at all.
Too bad my fertile years coincided with some of the worst episodes of madness of my entire life. Honestly I would stare at myself in the mirrors on the hospital ward and I looked every bit the madwoman…terrified, haunted eyes, distress etched on my every feature, dishevelled and in stained clothes. I didn’t recognise what I had become.
But this comment somehow became about me and not you OP. I guess I feel a bit bad for your mother, I can imagine my son feeling very similarly toward me as you do to her, being willing to accept my money as some kind of ‘compensation’…and I am only too happy to give it, just to be involved in a tiny way in my son’s life..
In her way she got very unlucky in life too. If we are to blame anyone, in the end, it’s life itself that is the culprit, we are its pawns basically.
@seppuku: Don’t be so harsh on yourself. I’m pretty sure you did the best you could for your son and you sound like a person who really cares about him regardless of all the problems you’ve had. It’s never too late to make amends, and if they are honest your son will see that. I was mostly referring to cases where it’s done out of pure selfishness, or the behaviors continue over time with no intention whatsoever of changing things.
It’s like the OP says, she feels like her mother only wants to have her close and that’s her main drive, same in my case. My mom’s already 50 (she had me really young) and she continues to do the same things, for the same reasons she has always done. The worst situations she has ever enticed in my life (and my cracking point) was a year and a half ago, first to satisfy one of my sisters wishes (and a vain one at that), second to force me into what she thought should be my life. In both situations she used someone i love to manipulate me, while also manipulating her. It backfired on her (and she tried to cover what she did but i caught on to her) and i’m still paying the consequences (and i’ll have to learn to live with them since i can’t fix some of those things and i can’t recover someone i lost, funnily enough? everyone involved in that situation is either better off or didn’t lose anything at all, the only one who got screwed was me).
Even if i know it wasn’t her intention and i think she wouldn’t have done it if she knew the situation was going to turn into such a wreck, i did try to warn her (when i started to realize) to no avail. To this day she won’t admit the whole truth, nor any guilt whatsoever, as in many other situations she has caused along the years (and there has been a lot of them, i could write for hours).
Sorry if i wrote a bible there (lol) but what i wanted to point out is that i believe you have to willingly screw up (and have no intent on changing your behaviors) in order for your sons to get to the “i’ll take the money and that’s it”, or for them to have anger/hate against you. I don’t see how that’s the case with you since you are admitting that you know you made mistakes, and hey, we are all people and understand that life happens and most mistakes are in big part, as you say, life itself (and most likely your son will see that). And after all, i still love my mom, but the thing is, i just learned i can’t trust her fully (and maybe not even partially) ever again.
It’s odd how mothers have an effect. Mine wasn’t like yours but after my parents divorced she became quite sheltering. She was always worried she would lose my sister and me somehow.
Once my sister and i became more independent, there was a lot of guilt if we failed to call or visit regularly.
My sister, who has her own demons and has dealt with abusive boyfriends, keeps her distance and I only hear from her for short spurts every 3-5 years.
So it’s up to me essentially to show her that her children don’t “hate” her.
Parents really have an effect on children. I have my mom’s constant worrying and fear of loss, and I have my dad’s precise, analytical nature. Let me tell you, that can be quite the brain cocktail…and is probably why I have a compulsion about locks and making sure things are secure.
alum,
Maybe this won’t make any sense because I have a horrible headache, but I’m sorry you have fear right now. Fear is what cuts us down at the knees I think. We are afraid every day that we don’t measure up. That we will fail. That there is nothing to hope for…
I don’t know you that well, but in a very brief time I can say with certainty that you are kind, intelligent, and worth believing in.
There are people in your life who see it and that’s why they want to help. They don’t see you as a drain. They see reason to believe in you. They believe in you because they know you do measure up. They know you are capable of succeeding. They know you have something to hope for even if you can’t see it yourself.
I’m not saying you need to take the money. I’m not saying you can save your relationship with your mother. I’m not saying you will succeed.
All I am saying is that I don’t want you to be afraid and that I believe in you too.
I don’t know what would I do in your place, so I won’t pretend to be one of those people who always know better… but I still wanted to say one word or two. I get how you wouldn’t want to keep on living just for the other people, but I wonder, do you feel it’s impossible to live for yourself in the first place? I’m asking that just because, well… you were (are) fighting. To get good education… to support yourself… all that, you know… I’m no good at converting what I think into words, so I guess I just want to say that, whatever you’ll do, you can be proud of yourself instead of saying you cn’t make anything out of yourself… just my silly opinion, I think you already made a lot out of yourself. it’s not easy to reach your goal when things are like that and neither it’s easy to start fighting for it, or be halfway through… i think that’s something,