I lost all hope now

I’m new around here. I’m up at this crazy hour because of a panic attack. The Dr. prescribed something to take a few weeks ago when I had to put my cat to sleep. Soon, I will be ok, and hopefully able to return to sleep. It’s not a bottle of pills I’m taking, just one low dosage designed to help me find sleep again. Soon, my alarm will go off and when I wake, it’s a new day. And, I will try in a new light to deal with the horror that I experienced 36 hrs. ago of my bf trying to kill himself.

I experienced the same atrocities you shared growing up. Somewhere along the way and something tripped inside. I feel more like a survivor and not a victim–there’s some power in that mindset.That power took suicide off the table. Instead, my anger fostered my voice and became very outspoken about these types of abuses.
I’m so angry when hear stories like yours. It only motivates me to want to become more against these acts against humanity and the people who commit them.
I often wonder if it makes sense to tell a bf or gf about the abuse we suffered as child. On one hand, it makes sense to be open and honest. It helps them to understand us a little more esp if we are having a moment dealing with something that has boiled up again as these incidents often do with us. But…gosh what are they to do with that information, I wonder. Some are lost for what to say, how to respond, or deal with us. We need an outlet to drain these toxic feelings but is the bf / gf the right place? I’m wondering?
How can you dispose of the toxic feelings that accumulate inside? Putting suicide aside, I mean if we all killed ourselves because we were victimized, then the world would be nearly empty of so many wonderful people with potential. We’d be left mostly with the perpetrators.
I’m not killing myself. I’m fighting to live. I have a child to protect who relies on me for all of her needs. I’d much rather be in a world with you and the others who experienced these abuses than with the abusers. Repair the world. You’re a survivor and we can use our voices to speak out against these abuses and the people who commit them. Killing ourselves empowers the victimizer which they neither deserve.
Bfs will come again…but the more strength and self esteem that you have as a survivor and can display, that’s beautiful. And then find a bucket or an outlet to puke your guts into when your precious body fills up again with toxicity. Get rid of it fast and privately and with someone who
is trained to help you unload all of that. I’m sorry you lost the bf. But what can we do to make you stronger and focused on something positively wonderful to build self esteem and restorative in you?
Besides the bf, is there anything that you love to do, that you enjoy thinking about and cant wait to do when time permits?