Kill the monster inside me.

I dont really know where to start with this… some peoples stories start off with them being abused or something but i can’t really pinpoint as to how i ever felt like this. I was bullied when i was 10 and up until secondary school for various things but i thought i had coped with all that. When i was 13 i first self harmed, and I’ve told my story so many times and it still sounds stupid every single time. I remember the very first time I hurt myself and my oh my it felt so good. I won’t go into details as to how I did it but it made me feel somewhat better. So for years on and off I would self harm, in the end it became habit. I last self harmed in January 2014, I’ve been 6 months clean now 🙂 So just when i thought i was over wanting to hurt myself, along came the suicidal feelings.

I think the first time I ever truly thought about it was January 2012, i can’t remember why. See some years feel like a big blur and its as if i skipped those years? Then in April 2012 i lost a friend to suicide and it hit me quite badly that she was no longer here. I just wanted her back but nothing i did could ever bring her back. I wish i could tell you why later than month i attempted suicide but i can’t. I can only describe it as feeling lost, alone and like nothing in the world mattered except ending my own pain. I had planned it all, down to every last detail. After id gone through with it, I got scared and i didn’t want to die anymore. I text my friend then fell asleep. The next day i woke up to a phonecall from the police, later that day we had the police visit and i had to explain to my parents what had happened. They were as you would imagine, inconsolable, angry, desperate for me to get help. My happiness always seems to be short lived…

I promised them i would get help, and i had various counselling over the year. I stupidly thought i was better and i came off my medication. But in March 2014 it came back with a vengeance. I suffered from flashbacks, I’m not ready to fully talk about what they are yet but they are enough to reduce me to tears. For many nights in a row, i imagined how it was going to happen, who was going to find me, where it was going to happen and even who would go to my funeral. I did it. I went through with it, but the car missed me. I stood crying in the middle of the road, shaking and screaming how sorry i was that i had done that. I told the driver i was okay and i just hadn’t looked and he was on his way, i walked into work like nothing had happened but i just couldn’t focus myself all day.

I dont know why these things happen that stop me from dying, I’m terrified that one day it will actually work.

I am so determined to win this fight. Its so scary as I’m sure you might know. A month later i made the best decision in getting help again and am going back on medication. Im also changing my lifestyle and am planning on travelling for a year.

I WILL SURVIVE THIS AND THE MONSTER INSIDE WILL DIE.