Maybe she is the smart one. Maybe I am just rotten inside. Maybe I was so horrible to her that she cant forgive me. I didnt think I was. I loved her with everything I am but maybe the stupid mistakes I made were that horrible. She is better off without me. I dont deserve anyone, especially her. She is amazing. I am nothing. I mean why would anyone want to be with someone who cuts themselves? She should run away. Run far away Bonney. Get away from this monster you were with. She deserves happiness and I cant give that to her. She wants me to leave her alone and I dont think I can. The only way for me to let her move on is to not be here anymore. The only way she will find peace from me is if I give up and leave this stupid world that I dont deserve to be in. Dont worry my love, soon enough you will have your wish. I will try to make it quick so you can move forward. I wont be the thorn in your side or the cause of your stress anymore. Know that I’m going to do this for you. Because I love you. Because you deserve so much more in this life. You are wonderful and the world is so much better because you are in it.
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Did she actually say you are rotten? Or did you say that?
I answered your earlier post.
You know, this could just as easily keep her FROM moving on.
The ***** about this is that like dragonfly said, it could do the exact opposite.
@dragonfly_whisper
Yes, she has said that to me before. I think she has borderline personality disorder. She fits the bill of “I hate you I hate you I love you I love you” to a T. When she is in an upswing, she is the sweetest most amazing woman in the world and I have never been happier. When she is in a down swing, she can be an absolutely cruel cold hearted person. Everything is my fault. Im rotten, im worthless, Im not even a speck of sand on the beach to her, I am the cause of all her problems, etc. That I never loved her, that this was all just a game to me, that all I wanted to do was use her. That I don’t know what love is. Then again, maybe she is right like I said. Maybe I am a horrible person. Maybe it all is my fault. I just don’t know anymore. All I know is that the sunrise I used to think was so beautiful now just hurts my eyes. The thunderstorms I used to love watching are now just signs of more gloom to come. The songs I used to love to write are now just jumbles of words in my head that I cant get to come out. I feel like im just an empty shell with no purpose anymore. I had one job to do. One thing to accomplish in this life. Give her and her daughter a man they could rely on. A rock for them to hide behind. A safe warm shelter from the cold and I have failed. I always fail.
Do you really want to kill yourself for someone else? I can understand suicide when it comes to feeling you need to leave the things you feel behind, or wanting to end your own pain. But killing yourself for another person is just martyrdom. And martyring yourself is really only about one thing…making a statement. Unfortunately martyrs are never around afterwards to see if it actually made any difference, so its a waste. If you really want to show her you love her, then live for her and get help for the things that are issues with you. I could be totally wrong on this, but that’s how it came across in your post. Sorry if I misunderstand.
@ drummy
You are partially correct but at the same time, partially not. You would need to read my other post. The pain I am feeling losing her is just the final straw that is pushing me over the top. There is an underlying issue that has me at a constant 50% (as an example) and the pain I am feeling from all of this is just adding the extra 50% on top. I just want her to be happy and I don’t think I can take myself entirely out of her life to give that to her if that’s what she really wants. I don’t know how to deal with this and give her that freedom other than take myself completely out of the equation.
In that I can identify, I’m in the same situation where I know I can’t just let go and the longer I stay the more likely it would be I’d invade her life again. In my own situation though, my choice to suicide is not based on her or what I feel for her, its for the emptiness I feel inside that I just want to be over. That’s why I hope if suicide is your decision, please make sure its what you feel you need to end your own pain, and not the pain of others.
Thanks for answering me. I promise this isn’t a cop-out: I have a major life event occurring in 24 hours, and another 24 hours later. I really want to stop and converse with a number of SP writers just now, but have to focus on these events. I hope you’re still around in a few days when I can get back to my online life.
That borderline crap is *HARD*. I don’t envy you that. I lived with one once and it destroyed me – literally. Took some real work to place all that into perspective — but it *CAN* be done. I swear.
About that major life mission of giving them a hiding place: If she refuses your refuge, there is naught to be done. Just as we all believe we should have choice over our lives, so must we allow others their choices.I DO get that feeling of responsibility to “save” another, but its not possible. They must participate.
You haven’t completely lost her, right? There’s still counseling going on? And she still comes and goes. Somehow, though, you have to get off the merry-go-round…especially if its borderline behavior. You don’t have to walk away from the merry-go-round. Be there, listen, participate in counseling if you want. Watch the merry-go-round. Just don’t be ON it, letting your head be spun around too. You need a break and some perspective.
I think our friend Shepherd would say something like: back away and assess the landscape before you decide your battle technique.
Keep coming back. We’re listening to you!
She came to the first 2 counseling sessions and I honestly thought it was doing us a world of good. We had another session last night but she had told me on Saturday that she wasn’t going to come. I text her on my way there after work just saying “I know you don’t plan on coming but I hope to see you walk through the door at some point”. Sadly, she didn’t. I know she is in one of her down swings and when she gets that way, its like she cant see or think clearly other than the single idea of not wanting any of this anymore. I pray every night that I haven’t completely lost her.