My “perfect” life .

Let me start off with the basics . I’m 13 almost 14 . I have 3 brothers ( my older brother is my half brother ) I’m the only girl . My dad wishes he never had my brothers and I , and his life would be so much better if we weren’t in it . He was an alcoholic and a drug user before he had us . He did a lot . Him and my mother were together for 17 year and are in the process of spilling up . My mother has walked in and out of our lives for the past almost 5 years . She’s cheated on my dad multiple times . My mother has also been an alcoholic for the past 5 years . She has beaten my older brother a lot while under the influence . she’s given me a black eye before while under the influence . She’s kidnapped my little brothers before and the police let her .  She’s tried to kill her self multiple time in front of us . She’s cut her wrist and bled  all over the bathroom floor , she’s tried to overdose on pills before but my older brother fought to get them out of her mouth (she bit his finger open ) she’s told my littler brothers about how she’s going to kill her self . I’ve had to have my neighbors over to watch my little brothers while I bleached the bathroom walls and floors .my mother has put me threw hell and back . She’s called me a crack baby , a mistake , she said to my face that she should have aborted me , she calls me a whore . My mother hates me . I’ve been suicidal for about 3 years because of her . I was told I have depression 2years ago . I’m being tested for bipolar and ADHD soon . I stopped taking my depression mess about 3 months after being put on them because they made me even more suicidal  . I was put on birth control in 6th grade because my mom thought I was having sex . I’m supposed to be in 9th grade but I’m in 8th I just most recently  “lost” my verginity . The reason I put “lost” because I was raped for three years of my life on and off  from the age of 4 to 7 no one know besides my old bestfriend. She  started roumors about me me being BiSexual which I am I’m jut not ready to come out of the closet yet .  That also made me cut my wrist . But we were BESTfriends from 4-7th grade , everyone said she was a bad influence for me I didn’t believe them . When we got into 6th grade she finally told me that she smokes weed , I was fine with it because I thought she wouldn’t pressure me into it too . I thought wrong . It was December  1st I spent the night over her house , and she had some weed . She keep telling me that it was fun an it helps with a lot of things , she gave me a headache because of how much she said about it and I finally caved in and smoked weed . After awhile it because a daily thing . I didn’t care about homework I just cared about getting high all the time . I started to fail . I had to go to summer school to pass . I passed summer school and was aloud to hang out with her again . One night  though she hit most of the bowl and I only got 2 hits .  My friend gave us a few of these pills that would make you high . I didn’t know what kind  they were but I took them so did my bestfriend  . I was scared that something would happen an I would have something go wrong and die . But it got me high so I was happy at the moment . I started drink around the age of 11 , and I did it more OFFTEN then I did smoke because my mom always had vodka and I would steal it from her when she would pass out . I got caught twice one time smoking and one time drinking . I smoked with my brother in his room upstairs with his friends . They ratted me out to my dad and I got punished the last 2 months of school and the 1st month of summer . When I got caught drinking I was at my neighbors 17th birthday party . This was like 4 weeks ago . I was running around and seen my boyfriend who just moved and was down to visit and I was falling all over him . He told me to go home so I did . I fall everywhere , I run to the bathroom and throw up ALOT  , my da took a picture of me as I was throwing up  so he could show me when I sobered up the next morning . I wake to a text from my boyfriend saying he doesn’t want to be with me anymore because of last night .. I was crying so hard and I had a terrible hang over . My dad punished me for it . I got punished in 3 ways . I lost my boyfriend who I lost my verginity to , I had a hangover , and I got punished . I loved my boyfriend . He was my first love , I know I’m 13 I don’t know what love is . The thing is though I gave up a lot to fight for him . We went through a lot . He new almost everything  about me . I trusted him with everything . He was my bestfriend and the person I loved . He knew I loved him . I told him all the time , he was the reason I stopped cutting for awhile  . But he’s seen my scars and still thought I was beautiful . He gave me life And happiness . He was everything to me . An I made a mistake and lost him . Ever seems then I’ve been having the most terrible suicidal thoughts . This was way worse than my last boyfriend ,  my last boyfriend told me to kill myself and I would be doing everyone a favor , he said that I shouldn’t have never been born , my existents is unbearable , and that if I killed my self I would make the world a better place for everyone . I cut my self everyday until I found Tyler . I loved him before we even started to date . He was funny and sweet and lovable and had his cocky moments but I loved everything about him. And now I cry myself to sleep in his hoodie he gave me while I feel like every inch of my body is broken . On top of all of that I have to deal with my sister Inlaw , baby nephew , and older brother everyday . I’ve been saying with my aunt cause every time i come home they hit me , my sister Inlaw threatens me all the time , the other day she ran after me trying to beat the  shit out of me . My brother is 17 with an 8month old baby and his wife (my sister Inlaw) is 18 . My life sucks and everyday I just think about pickin up the blade again and cutting but I don’t , I keep all of this inside and it hurts more than cutting at this point . I cut because it feels better at this shit , it makes me feel so much better when I see the blood running down my wrist . I can’t stand any of this anymore . I’ve had people I don’t even know pray for me because I’ve told them not even 1/8 of my life . This is how it is .