Oh life.

Being 17 is such a crap age, so full of anger and hate towards everyone. People always ask me why i’m so angry, i can never explain why because i don’t know where all my anger came from. I blame my parents!

I’m have no idea what i want to say here, all i know is that i wanna write stuff down because i’m sick of making the most important person in my life feel like he has to help me deal with my past and problems, it’s not fair on him!

Anyway, I think i’m just going to list a  bunch of things from my past and stuff that is going on just now..

My childhood:

I was bullied till the age of 12, my mum used to beat me and my dad all my life, until i was about 14.. She hit my dad in front of me and I totally lost it with her, i beat her so badly I put her in  hospital fracturing her cheek bone and breaking her nose.. But since that day, she has never layed a hand on me and she has never hit my dad in front of me. My mum was/ is a dealer, so there was always strangers coming in and out of the house, some were so creepy! When i got to a certain age my mother stopped caring for me, she couldn’t give a fuck. From the age of 5/6 I was doing all the washing of clothes, i was doing dishes, making meals for my mum because she was “too ill” to do it herself, I was hoovering, cleaning all that crap. I was my mums house wife. My dad worked all the time and when he wasn’t, he was pissed or getting beat by my mum! When i was 8, my sister was born. I remember the day my mum came home with her. I was staying with my best friend when my mum was in labour. But when she got home, i went to see her and my new baby sister. The first thing i saw was my mum holding my sister in one hand and a beer in the other. She handed me my sister, told me all the milk was all done all i had to do was heat it up. I was 8 years old and i was bring up my little sister, I done the night feeds, I took her out, i was changing her.. I was her mum basically. I brought my sister up more or less on my own till she was 4. Because of all this, I missed so much school, my attendance was so bad! Me and my best friend were stalked for a year by a guy in a black car with black tinted windows.. A man in the woods came up to me and my best friend when we were walking.. He tried to kidnap us. Me and my best friend did kick boxing and thai boxing, so he never had a chance even though we were 9ish. A girl that bullied me alot put me under a couch and set it on fire right in front of my mum. my mum did nothing, she watched, it was my best friend that saved my life that day. My dad tried to drown me in the bath a fair few times. One of my mums regular “customers” tried to touch me up when i was alone with him ( which was alot) People always tried to break into our house to steal all the drugs! My only “escape” was my grannies, but even then, my uncle was dealing drugs from there. I remember my uncle coming to my house one day and saying he killed someone, he was covered in blood. He got 7 years for it. When my mum stopped caring for me, an amazing set of neighbors kinda took me in as their own, they fed me, i stayed with them alot, they are amazing people and I could never thank them enough! When I was 13, before we moved, my mum hit me alot so I was always running away. I starting cutting myself at the age of 8/9.

After we moved:

We had no money, no food, that sort of stuff.. But my parents always had money for drink, fags and drugs. Mum became so violent, she beat me in front of a really close friend of mine. She beat me and my dad all the time, even in front of my little sister. she made my dad pin me down while she poured cartons of juice all over my mouth and nose, so she was basically trying to drown me. She would throw hot cups of tea over me. She controlled my dad  so much he is petrified of her and he can never leave her. I started to runaway alot, i got into drink and drugs.. I’d go to school pissed, I over dosed on tramadol at school by accident. My grades were crap. I woke up to a boy having sex with me in my sleep! I lost all my friends at school and started getting bullied again. I could never fit in with anyone, no matter how hard i tried. I got put into foster care just before my 15th birthday, so did my sister, but we live with different foster families. when getting put into care i was doing my exams, nobody expected me to pass except my guidance teacher, he was the only person that believed in me. I passed all my exams  with fairly good marks! I got kicked out of school at the very beginning of 5th year. I got kicked out of a school for troubled kids. My only choice was to get my ass out and work to survive. I started work in a care centre at the age of 15. My ex boyfriend raped and beat me alot, this affecting me so much that i was constantly crying and cutting, after 6 months of crying every day, i gave up and topped myself!

Now:

My mum and dad have disowned me for something I never done, i never get to see my sister anymore. My foster parents want me to move out when i’m 18, My self harming is just wild now! My psychiatrist is always telling me that i don’t have anything to live for. I pushed all my friends away except for 2. I have SAD, so the weather affects my mood dramatically.. and where i live, it’s always bad weather, so im always really down. I feel I have nobody to talk to about my problems..

So yeah, I wonder why i’m such an angry 17 year old! cunts.