Where do I start. My life is so screwed its beyond measurement. For most of my life I have contemplated suicide. At about 14 I had a good attempt, however it resulted in a broken tailbone, thankfully I was together enough to be able to state that I fell, not that the branch where I had tied the rope on had snapped.
I have tried very hard at life, I have 3 university degrees (All of the degrees been in Arts), however they aren’t really in subjects that provide employment, they were fun to do though, and have made me an authority on nothing, lol.
I realised I was gay when I was about 11 – coming out to my parents didn’t go well, which has resulted in a lifelong wedge between us. When I was this age I started eating as well, eating a lot, which resulted in me at 21 been 289 kgs ( 637 lbs) – I was still at uni at this point. As you can imagine, I did not have a boyfriend, or even much sex (The sex I did have was with older men, generally cheating on there wives) as I was totally unattractive. At 21 I did start a weight loss program (Basically Anorexia) – however I worked out and I did go down to 75 kgs (165 lbs) – I didn’t loose it quickly, so that the excess skin would tighten back up, however it didn’t. I was 30 when I was at my “Ideal weight” – The thing was that even when I was that weight, I still didn’t look good, as all the excess skin I have is horrible. I can get it removed, however the cost is around the $50 000 mark. I am now 31 and am 95 kg (209 lbs) – So I am putting weight on again.
At Uni I met a girl who was my best friend, she was\is amazing. Since she thought that she would never be with anyone & I didn’t think I would get with anyone either and we loved each other a lot, we thought we would get married. I know it sounds bizarre, however it all made perfect sense at the time. Together we moved towns to a new place and I opened a shop, we got married, we holidayed overseas, My family and I seemed to get on HEAPS better – life was good.
After six years of this, I decided that it wasn’t right (I know took me a while). As much as I loved her, and I still do, she deserved to be with someone that loved her totally and that wasn’t me. So we broke up. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, as I loved her so much, and I knew that she loved me, however it wasn’t right – I was gay, I could never love her the way that she was supposed to be loved.
We split up, which was hard on both of us, however she now has a boyfriend, who really loves her, he hates me, but thats ok, I know that she is happy, and that is all that matters. I moved my shop to a new town and tried to start a new life. I ended up going on a date with a guy, who seemed nice. He was much older than me, and I wasn’t attracted to him, however I had never gone out on a date with a guy before and I thought that I should just try it.
It was wonderful, he brought me flowers, took me to dinner, all normal stuff, it was so nice. We dated for a couple of weeks. One night he wanted to cook dinner for me at his house, so I went. He proceeded to drug me, and rape me and then told me that he had HIV and that I should go and get Pepr – Which I did. I have not had a date or sex since (not that I have been asked anyway).
The business didn’t go well (However it did for the five years proceeding before I moved it to the town over), and I lost that a couple of months after the rape experience (About 6 months ago now), which left me broke, shattered and homeless (I was living in the shop, my ex-wife has the house). I was totally destroyed, having my own shop was all I have ever dreamed of. Thankfully\unfortunately one of the other people in business in the town that I had my shop said that I could come and work and live with them. It sounded wonderful and just like what I needed, However that has resulted in me working all the time, for board and not much else. Any money that I do earn goes to pay bills for the business, however as you can imagine those debts are huge, and I honestly don’t know how I will pay them off, if I can ever.
So I sit in this space now, knowing that I don’t have any options. Can’t rent a house etc – as the debt from my shop won’t allow me to rent anything. I can’t go bankrupt as all the debtors that I have are willing for me to pay them back slowly. I know that a relationship is out of the question, guys aren’t interested in someone with 25kgs of excess skin, the only one that was, was a serial rapist (I have since found out), I should have known as now in retrospect – I can see he played me like a fiddle. I can’t do the things I want, as I work constantly now for these people that know the situation I’m in, and know I have no where else to go.
I have also had to move the stock from my old shop (About $70000 worth) and my other house furniture etc, into there house. I need to sell that stuff so that I can pay back debts and be able move, but its an impossibility when you work at least 15 hours a day, seven days a week. Im very worried about doing anything wrong there, like leaving my stuff around, not washing a glass that I had used, leaving a book I was reading on the table (All of these things I have been in trouble for) – as if I get kicked out Im really really screwed, and I know that I am on constant tender hooks there.
I have also since discovered that all these “Friends” that I had when I had my shop were all “Fair weather friends”, So now I don’t have anyone to talk to about anything. So I don’t know what to do, I have nothing and no one. I have no dreams left and I can’t work out what to live for.
I was told once that life consist of three parts: Love (A romantic one), Work & Play. All of those things have to be in balance if you are going to live a happy life. I have no love life and one starting is exceptionally unlikely (For those of you that aren’t gay, the gay world is very fickle and if you don’t have a good torso particularly, you aren’t getting very far.) I live in a small coastal town, so the choices here aren’t great either, they are either very young or very old.
Work, well I work constantly now, for someone else’s benefit. I don’t have any work of my own to do (I don’t have the time) and all the ideas that I had for business, art etc have run out.
Play, Same I work all the time, I have no time to get out or have fun, besides I don’t even know what is fun anymore. The people I work with, play, they drink with there friends which are often at the house, however they are there friends, not mine, so I am constantly placed as the entertainment. “Be funny, do something cool – tell us something amazing.”
So I think to myself that my next years of life are going to be as follows: Work for these people, and in 10 to 15 years have my debts paid off. Never have a lover. Never play, as there is no time for my own stuff. And I don’t want to live like that. I was going to kill myself before I left my ex-wife’s house (Well her house now) – however I had to move out with other people doing it, as I wasn’t allowed back at the house, cause her new man hates me. I should point out that I tried to be friends with him, brought beer to have together etc – however he thinks I am a sicko (Cause Im gay) and that I treated my ex-wife badly, nothing could be further from the truth.
I want to kill myself and be brave enough to do it. I need a simple way so that I can go in the bedroom I’m in, and not disturb others. I can’t hang as there is no where strong enough for a rope. I need to make sure Im dead before morning – so I have about 6 hours to do it in. I live near the ocean and I have thought about walking in, however I worry that I will panic and try to save myself – and I will be able too.
I don’t know what to do……..Im at a loss…..any advice would be greatly appreciated.
12 comments
I am so sorry about your story. But i also dont know a simple way to commit suicide. 🙁
Same, all of the ideas need time and a space by yourself, I can’t guarantee that at any time – surely there is some way! I have been thinking about acetaminophen – however am worried that I will become Non compos mentis – and I will get taken to the hospital.
Doesn’t work.
Trust me.
You need to take a metric f***ton of it, and even then you have four days to steadily worsening pain, nausea, and headaches. And that’s if you don’t vomit it up.
That being said, it CAN work if you take it with alcohol. It’s not fast and it’s not painless though, I’d keep searching for other methods. This method’s effectiveness is contingent upon liver failure, which hurts like all hell, and that’s not to mention the other organ systems that fail after the liver.
I have my own plan, it’s pretty popular but you have to research methods and find something that’s right for you. I don’t feel right posting about methods here, it almost sounds like egging you on, so I won’t go into any detail. Suffice to say there are other websites where you can find good info. Here we mainly try to support each other to live.
I find it hard these days to give encouragement, as I know myself that I no longer want to hear about how s*** gets better, suicide is not the answer, etc. Just want to let you know that I read your story and I feel for you. It’s so sad that you’ve worked so hard (I haven’t really) only to end up with nothing.
Work/play/love, yeah I guess I don’t really have any of those either. Depends how you look at it I guess. I mean, love can mean friendship or any kind of relationship, work could be chores that you do around the house or voluntary work, play could be me messing about on the internet or watching ancient drama series on YouTube. It’s just that with depression, none of these things feel like a reason to live.
So true Seppuku! I must say I have even looked into this ancient Japanese art! I know what you mean about depression, nothing feels good anymore. I am reminded of a quote from Interview with a vampire, “Life has no meaning any more does it? The wine has no taste, the food sickens you, there seems no reason for any of it, does there?” Its just exactly how I feel. I don’t think S*** gets better, I have always tried to be positive, but its just too hard, now its just like this mask I wear, and I can’t get rid of it. The moment that I start to feel my depression, I remind myself to wipe it off my face and out of my life, at least when I am around people. I learned long ago that no one really wants to hear about your troubles and I have learned that to talk to people about what’s really going on is never a good idea. I’m sure at the end of this life, when things are weighed up, there will be far more bad s*** than good. I hope you get happy 🙂
I would look into declaring bankruptcy again. It sounds as if you are an indentured slave. Fuck that, and fuck them for treating you so badly. If you could put up with religion and church people for a time, they might be able to help you. Just don’t tell them that you’re gay. Instead, tell them that you were raped and need help. Sex with a proper same-sex person can come later. Your independence is of primary importance to your survival.
Dear vladnomore,
My broken heart just bleeds for you. You are suffering terribly in so many ways, on so many levels, not to mention that your current situation amounts to slavery – a hellish agony of catch 22.
First, I would love to give you advice, as I’ve been suffering from chronic suicidality, depression, and anxiety for since my late teens (I’ve somehow survived to 50, though I’ve made several very serious attempts). BUT, by law no one is allowed to give people advice or information on methods that could lead to their suicide. This is an administered, open forum, so I’m so sorry I can’t help with that. All I can say is the web has a lot of information, but you need to research well, find the sites that give the most information, statistics, and very importantly the consequences should you live (all too common. I mean, I’m still here, though I am now brain damaged, and look like the bride of Frankenstein).
Anyway, these horrible, slave-driving people are not allowed to keep you in what is essentially a debtors prison. You do have rights, and they are being smashed. But, because you are not being “forced”, and are staying under your own volition, this makes it tricky.
You obviously need to get out of there. You may not think you are able to call the police due to your agreement with these people, but you can call social services, get hold of a social worker, you are being abused, and are trapped in a very illegal situation and are at the end of your rope, but if that fails, try the police anyway, you can call from a pay phone if you are afraid, and just tell them briefly of the slave situation you are participating in, and ask them for help, if they can’t, they will be able to hook you up with an agency that could . Also, please contact your local, and other LGBT groups and associations, as some may be able to help. If you were able to get some days off, I would suggest looking up your local mental health clinics (but, call them anyway) as there are free clinics, with free help, not just mental help, but help including finding food, shelter, and work for homeless or near homeless people (I was in that situation twice). Also, they can help you to get the paperwork, and sign you up for benefits if they think you should have them.
This may be stupid, but I about the fact that there are sometimes volunteer opportunities that exist all over the world… If you just want to escape, and have your legal rights back, this is a great way to do it.
(I’m so deep in debt to hospitals because of having no health insurance, and being hospitalized so many times, but I can’t pay – but at least I live free). I know that at Buddhist monasteries that exist all over the US, they often offer long time volunteer positions, for things like gardening, or maintenance. They give you room and board and are often in such peaceful areas like forests, and mountains, or sometimes their in the middle of a big city. And, Buddhism has no religious or gender bias/bigotry – Jews, Christians, and Atheists can be Buddhists, as can all the LGBT community. (I have found Buddhism and its meditation to be my greatest help in dealing with my life, better than any therapy or drug. So, you see why I would know this stuff).
Remember, you can just bail on your debts. So what, if you can’t declare bankruptcy, well neither could I. They can’t arrest you or force you to pay what you cannot. Yes, it will hang over your head throughout life, but, it’s not that bad. And, if you want to pay off a little at a time to these horrible people that should be in prison for what they are doing to you, well use a mail box service so you can stay anonymous, as you may not want them tracking you down.
I don’t know what else to write. I wish I at least had some money to send you, enough so you could escape the hell you are in, and not have to think the only escape is killing yourself. I hope and pray to the cosmos that you will find another way, that you will escape, and find your freedom, and be happy you did not end your life in those dark days.
I wish you Love & Peace
Sorry, somehow my message got all garbled up, and they won’t let me edit the damn thing!
I am sorry that your life has been like this. Your post made me very sad
Excellent practical suggestions dancebackthesea. Not garbled.
This shit is riveting man… I can’t handle it.
LEVERAGE!!!
Unless, these human douche bags have been reporting your wages to the IRS, you can threaten them with the fact that you will report them ( or that your ex-girlfriends new lawyer has learned of your situation and wants to get social services, and the IRS involved in your situation in order to help you get out of what the lawyer called illegal, “slave” conditions.) You can make it seem as if the whole thing is out of your hands, that your ex accidentally leaked the “secret” information out of concern for you.while going out to lunch with her new attorney). And until she and her attorney can meet you for lunch the next weekend, have a signed letter from your employers that you also sign, that states your work hours, pay, rental agreement, but – most of all – swearing that they will provide you with weekends, and desist from from continuing what by law amounts to abusive or illegal behavior – OR, your ex and her attorney will be pushing ahead with your case.
Something like that. Better than letting these wastes of human space drive you to die!
I hope I hear from you soon!
I’m worried for you!