Where I come from

Finally a site where I can be honest and tell the truth. So where did I come from? From about age 13 or so under the influence of some great adult leaders I got into helping people especially in the area of health care.

Whether it was in my early age with the first aid and CPR card, until the 30 years that I’ve been licensed as a paramedic and respiratory therapist I did my best for everyone. I don’t know if it was the adrenaline rush or just the pure joy of seeing someone get better or comforted at their time of death I was satisfied I knew my place in the world.
But in 2011 because of severe spinal stenosis my career is ended I can move with the help of a cane but I certainly can’t lift and I cannot do what I spent my life doing.
There are times when I get mad at God because I don’t understand why he did this. There are times when I think I understand God, when I think did my problem is a result of the sense of pride did I took too much pride in the job that I did and as such God needs to show me it was him and not me did I was only his tool and things happened through me. There are times when I think God doesn’t exist and this is just a result the physical changes from all the years of the heavy work that I did and as many say, ” it is what it is.”
In any event I do not live the life did I seemed born to do. People tell me it just means it’s time to move on, but I find every door closed and every opportunity gone, so I sit here feeling useless an unneeded and forgotten.
The, depression this is caused is oppressive and the fact that I sit here alone with it so overwhelming it causes all kinds of ideas to stream into my head.
I’m dependent on narcotics to control the pain. but that only goes so far so I supplement with the occasional drink.
“Vodka does not ease back pain. But it does get your mind off it.”
-Fuzzy Zoller