I am lonely.
Mostly on days like today. I feel so completely alone though I am surrounded by so many people. So many people who might care, if I told them that is. But the thing is, even though I am surrounded by caring people, none of them notice.
Some days I get asked a simple question, “Are you okay?” and I know that I should quit lying. I should stop pasting on a smile and giving them some bullshit answer such as “I’m fine,” or on days I can barely muster that smile, “I’m just tired,”. As if lying to everyone around me will somehow change the fact that I’m not. I’m not fine and I don’t even know why.
I am unhappy.
I don’t even know if that’s the word for it. It’s less like sadness and more like numbness. I’ve somehow managed to block out all feelings. Somehow throughout my crazy life, I’ve managed to get rid of my sadness and pain. But without the pain and sadness, you can’t happiness and I’ve sacrificed that as well. If you want to get rid of one, you have to be willing to sacrifice them all.
And I’ve lived the majority of my life being indifferent. It’s kind of turned me into a *****.
I am ungrateful.
I seem to loath people. I am very sarcastic and it is never nice. I have heard many profanities thrown my way and I simply accept them. I sometimes give off an aura of not caring, but that’s who I’ve become. I’ve become socially inept and spiteful. I cannot seem to sympathize with others and even my apologies are coated in sarcasm. Somewhere in the back of my mind I can hear the little voice that tells me it isn’t okay to behave the way I do. I know it’s not okay to hate people I don’t even know. It’s not okay to hurt the ones around me and not care the least bit. It’s not okay and I know that.
But that same little voice that tells me those things are not okay, remind me of all the reasons I am so indifferent. I reminds me of all the reasons I hate myself and the people who made me this way.
I am worthless.
That’s what I’ve come to believe. That’s what the voice tells me every time I screw up, and trust me it happens often. I have come to terms with the fact that I can’t do anything right. Hell, I can barely walk without falling over. I am possibly the clumsiest human being that has ever existed and I have accepted that. But I still manage to convince myself that today will be different. I will not screw up today and the moment I do, the voice is there again to remind me that it was right all along. Maybe I’m so indifferent to the hate I receive so often from the people I used to care about because they cannot hate me more than already hate myself.
But who could love themselves when they know they’re nothing but the empty shell of a screw up?
I am hopeless.
I don’t know whether this is depression. It doesn’t feel like it, but I’m no expert. I’ve researched and I don’t think I am depressed. Though, I do want to disappear. I don’t think that’s the same as wanting to die. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I want to fade away along with all traces of me that prove my existence. I won’t commit suicide. I don’t want someone to find my lifeless body. Though if I knew that if got into a car and I would die in it, I would get in. I don’t want my family and friends to blame themselves, because they would. That’s what people do when others die, I don’t think I can stop that. But anytime I even think of grabbing a bunch of pills or even taking a blade to my wrists, I suddenly feel incredibly selfish. I somehow convince myself that killing myself is a far worse thing to do than to continually suffer in my self-made prison of a body. I can’t even bring myself to self-harm in any form. There is always a sudden guilt that stops me. The guilt that convinces me that disappointing the people in my life is worse than my suffering. Maybe I am beginning to care.
Maybe my screwed up self is trying to make me care by forcing me to continue to live in the hell I’ve created for myself. I don’t know.
The only thing I am sure of is that I am broken.
8 comments
It feels as though you read my soul. Never happy, never doing or being enough. Ashamed to feel any happiness b/c i have f**ked up so much. I know it would hurt the people around me but only for a short time. My feelings of i cant take much more and the lives of those i love would be better w/o me are becoming loud again. Im not wanting to die but i dont want to hurt all the time anymore either.
All the best people are broken in my view. I literally prefer their company, because I can relate. There’s nothing wrong with being broken.
I’m glad in a way that you are considering the feelings of others when it comes to your suicide or self-harm. And you have a very active conscience, which reminds you when you may have said or done something hurtful. Those things make you a good person, but they don’t make you a happy person.
Only a psychopath can hurt others and be all happy about it. Happiness is overrated. In my view, it depends on the extent to which a person can delude themselves and deaden their senses to the amount of suffering in this world.
This is just my two cents and I wouldn’t expect everyone to agree.
It’s funny you say that because most of my friends either come from broken homes or have something else major that happened to them at a young age. And they are such amazing, caring people. They’re most of the reason I can’t hurt myself, even when I most want to.
And by the way, I very much agree that only psychopaths can hurt others to be happy, but happiness is something I can’t ever remember feeling and I crave the joy of accomplishing something, you know?
I’m no expert, and I don’t claim to understand how you are feeling, but I’m here if you’d like someone to talk to. I am sorry that you are hurting so badly. My brother had a lot of these feelings and I couldn’t see it and I lost him forever. And now I feel heartbroken and that my life isn’t right, like it’s not even my life. It’s hard to explain but it hurts like hell to lose someone you love forever. And it hurts like hell for someone to be suffering with the kinds of things you are feeling. You are not alone in the way you feel.
May I ask more about your life? You said it has been crazy and there are people that have made you this way? And have you ever been able to open up to anyone about it or seek professional guidance? These are all just thoughts and questions, you don’t have to answer of course. You just seem to be having a lot of feelings and not sure why, so was wondering more. I know you said you researched depression and I was reading a site earlier and was wondering if you can relate to any of these things? Check it out if you like. And again, I’m so sorry and I know there are caring people here who understand and have a lot of insight. By the way, you explained everything really wonderfully under each topic in a very descriptive, organized way. And I can tell you are compassionate because you care about your actions and their affect on others, like seppuku said. Not sure if this will get spammed because of the link.
http://m.helpguide.org/articles/depression/depression-symptoms-and-warning-signs
Yes, I had a lot happen when I was young (and lately as well) and I’ve never really talked to anyone, mostly because I prefer not to talk about it as that is most of the reason I cry and I hate crying in front of others.
I took a look at that page and since the last time I’ve looked I do seem to have more of the symptoms but I don’t know what to think of that.
Also, thank you. I’ve always enjoyed writing and used to think I wanted to be an author when I got older, but I am incapable of writing happy endings because I find them cliche and, frankly, annoying. And most people don’t want to read stories where the main characters die.
In another life you would be my souls twin.everything I’ve heard so far sounds just like how im feeling..or how I was feeling at the begginning.I too hate myself.although its more severe self hatred than yours currently…its actually intoxicating the hatred and darkness I hold within me.take my advice and listen well.That little voice is the voice of all thats put u down ur whole life and the reason you wont kill urself..I believe that u deep down farther than even you can see… You still thinks theres a chance.this story is almost completely identical to mine.and if yu dont believe me I’ll post mine for the world to see.its strange isnt it ur the person who has the most in common with me and I dont even kno you.I cant say I completely understand you because I dont.but this post really spoke to me and my one piece of advice.the only reason I’ve k kept myself alive all this time.the sole reason I live and nothing else…dont let that voice win
In another life you would be my souls twin.everything I’ve heard so far sounds just like how im feeling..or how I was feeling at the begginning.I too hate myself.although its more severe self hatred than yours currently…its actually intoxicating the hatred and darkness I hold within me.take my advice and listen well.That little voice is the voice of all thats put u down ur whole life and the reason you wont kill urself..I believe that u deep down farther than even you can see… You still thinks theres a chance.this story is almost completely identical to mine.and if yu dont believe me I’ll post mine for the world to see.its strange isnt it ur the person who has the most in common with me and I dont even kno you.I cant say I completely understand you because I dont.but this post really spoke to me and my one piece of advice.the only reason I’ve kept myself alive all this time.the sole reason I .live and nothing else…dont let that voice win…live on and spit right in its face and the faces of all those who oppose yu…
I walk around my workplace thinking as you do, if only I could say something, replying to the question thrown at me each day, ‘how are you?’ with a simple ‘I’m ok’, do they have any idea I wish I was dead, that I’m constantly thinking of ways to end this misery and if I did succeed they would probably be shocked, ‘he always seemed so happy, always said he was ok’. I know I suffer from depression and loneliness, my life is a total mess and I hate myself, the voice in my head is loud but as Broken_Soul said ‘don’t let the voice win’, try to rebuild your life by doing whatever it takes, you say you’re not considering suicide so, however hard it is, it’s the only answer, try and confide in someone.