I don’t know!

I rarely post here, but I guess it’s about time I do.

I don’t know how to describe my life, it’s not gonna come across as a fucked up one to you I bet. My family is supportive in every sense, yes. I could simply go to them in case I ever have a problem, however, I have rarely exercised that option. Passed out of school with grades that could let me have admission in pretty much any commerce college one would want here. Enough buddies to get wasted with at nights. If I need their help, I could call any of them even at 2 in the night, and they’d show up asap. Doesn’t matter if it’s a sports match or a military parade, the privilege passes are with me, thanks to my elder brother. At my age, I cannot think of an average guy demanding anything else really. However, seems like I’m not that average guy.

I reckon most of you can recall somebody, who’s this rock solid guy, showing no emotions whatever the circumstances? Always maintaining his cool, and you imagine him to be the last person on Earth who could have a nervous breakdown? Yes, that’s me.

I could be having a good time talking with the guys, and the next moment, I’m depressed as fuck. Way too image conscious to ever let anybody know of the latter, I can only imagine the mocking I’d be subjected to if I ever let them know. Just cause I do not them know I’m extremely sensitive, can’t they judge it by themselves? Yes, I never let people know if there’s anything wrong with me, I’m usually the strong pillar standing by them in their rough times, but man, I’m tired. Too weak to be strong anymore. Too lonely, too empty.  They’d ask me how I’m doing, and I’d just give a thumbs up, little do they realize I need somebody to give me a hug and tell me they fucking care!!!

Have always been like this. Acting like a tough guy, but a lonely person jumping inside me, wanting to be treated with affection. There was this person I met online with whose help I could cope up for six years! Three times my own age, but over the time, I grew attached to her. She was family, my bigsis, the only person who told me she loved me. Died last month. All this long, I’ve been resisting the urge to let it go and meet her up there, the loneliness is unbearable. (And she owes me some answers). I don’t want to disappoint my family, but man, the pain of her loss and my loneliness is too hard to bear anymore.

At the time of college admission, I chose not to enter into a commerce college and instead opted for a career in law, by registering for the entrance exam that’s going to be conducted next year. Which means, I’m in for a complete lonely year at home, and I’m now beginning to doubt if I can last this period. No will to live.