i hate it all!!

I hate how awful my brother makes me feel. I hate how I have to smile for my mom. I hate how my brother is like my mom and gets easily mad. I hate how I do the same to my little brother and have to try to stop myself. I hate how I do the same things all day. I hate when it’s my mom’s off days because she is always watching to make sure I act happy. I hate how my mom hates the real me. I hate how she loves this mask, this facade. I hate how even on here I’m just some annoying person who tries too hard to fit in. I hate how no one likes me for who I truly am. I hate how when I say things they’re always weird and no one gets them. I hate how my friends want to constantly talk to me when I want to be alone because they talk about all these stupid silly things. I hate how I’m trapped in my life and can’t end it because I have no access to the way I want to go. Off a high building or cliff. I hate how I don’t want my family to feel pain afterwords but I’m slowly growing to not care because my brother makes me feel awful with the little things he does. I hate leaving my music. I hate going somewhere public or outside. I hate watching movies. I hate going outside my room. I hate the thought of going back to school. I really really just want to leave this world. I hate that I was born even though my mom said I made her get out of depression. I hate how she calls herself Christian than hates on gays so furiously. I hate how she forgets she’s supposed to love all. I hate how she doesnt realize that because of people like her many are so depressed. I hate how people can be so hypocritical. I hate how that would be me too. I hate how I keep helping others but when I want help am denied. I hate how I want to ignore all my friends but know one that might become depressed again like she had been. I hate how I’ve caused the same horrible feeling of someone judging you in others. I hate how I didn’t mean to do that but always say the wrong things. I hate how I have to do well in school even though I know I’ll kill myself the first opportunity. I hate how I feel like I’m in a circus and everyone is just watching and laughing. I hate how my dad left. I hate how much I used to love and respect him. I hate myself because of all my horrible feelings. I hate who I was and I still hate how I am. I hate how I can’t just stay in my room forever listening to my music, reading books, and going on SP. I hate how people think the world is so great. I hate how I don’t like anything. I hate how I have dreams of boys and romance even though I hate that stuff. I hate how I wish I had nightmares instead. I hate how I don’t understand so many things. I hate how no one I know likes my music. I hate how hard it is to sleep. I hate how I’m so sensitive to every sound. I hate how I get sad and feel worthless when someone gets slightly annoyed or doesn’t like what I say or finds fault in it. I hate how I can’t just say fuck the world and not care. I hate how humans are so horrible. I hate how I have no one to blame. I hate how I can’t even hate the devil. I hate how my mom thinks the real me is a demon full of hate. I hate how she’s right. I hate how I never know if what I feel is right or ok with God. I hate how it feels as if he’s mad at me. I hate how no one is there I can talk to. I hate how when I get the chance to talk to people I don’t want to and get scared. I hate how people even think about me. I hate how people call me. I hate how they want me. I hate how I’m in their lives. I hate how I feel everyone I see is thinking awful things about me. I hate how I just want to disappear. I hate how once I finally show myself to someone I panic and leave. I hate how hideous the world is. I hate how the one person I know must have felt most of what I feel is long gone and dead. I hate how I’ve stopped feeling besides anger. I hate how I wish I could cry. I hate how im so negative. I hate how I can’t cut myself because I don’t know how to do it properly. I hate how I over think everything. I hate how with the few words I say I ruin everything.  I hate how I want friends who understand then want to be alone. I hate how I want attention then just want to be alone. I hate that I always pretend to be something I’m not. I hate how I’ve wasted your time. I hate how you don’t know what to say. I hate that I wouldn’t either. I hate how you have to all endure me. I hate how I wish I could leave this site and disconnect from humanity. I hate how my need of being a part of something or in a group makes me keep coming back. I hate how I hate the sound of silence. I hate how it chokes me silently. I hate how I’ve lost my anger towards everything. I hate how I’ve become this shell. I hate how I’ve burned so badly the ashes arent even there. I hate how I wish I felt pain so that i could feel again. I hate how I know I’m going to try to cut myself so I can feel. I hate that our fish died. I hate how it’s my fault. I hate how my mom doesn’t care at all about his life. I hate how she simply says let’s buy another. I hate how she doesn’t care. I love how Simon got to escape this horrible world. I hate how people think I’m weird and boring. I hate how I get nervous easily. I hate everything. I hate how so many suffer. I hate how I have no idea what to say. I hate how I can’t help. I hate how I know it’s worthless. I hate how I feel I don’t deserve heaven. I hate all the things I imagine. I hate that I tried to kill myself and failed. I hate that people are so focused on life. I hate how they all just thrust themselves to its horrors. I hate how people think if you’re smart then you should do great things. I hate how people keep feeding fuel to humanity’s existence. I hate how even if I leave a thorough note behind me no one will understand. I hate how people expect me to follow their lead and live a life worth nothing by working a horrible job for money to spend on nothing. I hate how people want me to help but I lost my ability to. I hate how I just want to blast myself away but can’t. I hate how I’m not in torturing physical pain when I deserve it. I hate how people go to movies when the money could go to a better cause. I hate how all that is still beautiful and good on earth is being destroyed and trashed. I hate how the world is burning and the stars are falling and everyone keeps smiling and going about their lives. I’m just going to go keep listening to my music and think about how awful I am. If you want to you can join. Don’t worry I’ll be back soon enough to ruin more lives. I hate how I’m probably just going to sit and wait for comments because I’m an attention whore.  I hate how my brother thinks so too.