It’s time.

My last post about executing the plan, was a failure. I know I haven’t got enough courage to do it on that day, simply because I thought I had something to live for, or someone to live. I still do, but the urge is just more each day and I couldn’t find a way to resist it instead to just do it once and for all. My current situation is pretty bad, I’ve lost my job, my parents hate me for not earning, and I’m just rotting at home, but they have no idea how broken I am for letting them down. My parents are planning to go to work because I am not, but again they have no idea that I’m trying everyday to find a job. I am a graduate but I don’t know what’s wrong with employers giving a job to a graduate like me. Some are racist, some has high expectation, but if someone would offer me a job, I know I can perform at my best, the problem here is ‘trust’. Everyone has lost hope on me, which caused me to loose hope on myself.

I talked to my fiance last night, I didn’t give him a hint about what I am going to do today, but I guess it wouldn’t matter to him if I’m gone, because I’ve only known him for about 2 months now and it wouldn’t make a very drastic effect on him. He may find someone better than me, as this is something like arranged marriage kinda thing. Seriously, he’ll find someone better than me, hope so . 🙂

My parents are going out, there’s no one home, and my mom told me that she’s gonna be late. So yeah, I know this would be the perfect time to do it. I’ve got a belt, and a plastic bag, and sleeping pills(I think I have enough of it to make me fall asleep). So i’d like to leave a little message(although those people wont be able to read this)

Family: You have made me suffer for many years, putting me down for whatever effort that I made to make my life better. It was never pleasant to hear such words from all of you, during the time that I really needed someone to talk to, the times that I needed to hear encouraging words instead of heart breaking words,seriously, hurt me to the core. You were never there for me. I was always left alone, and depressed. Dear brother, I still remember the times when you hit and slapped me when you knew you had to get me to the hospital, when you received a letter from my counsellor saying that I’m hurting myself and I need to stay in the hospital for few days. And you told that ‘why didn’t you just die instead?’ Yeah your wish is becoming true now. I’m really gonna die. To my mom & dad, I love you, but I’m just sad that you didn’t see how much of love I had on you, and how much I wish I would have done for you if my life was better, you  never knew. To my sister, you married early but I never had the chance to spend time with you, and remember the last fight we had, and you blamed that it was all my fault, that I was not worth anything, as if you were jealous of me, but trust me, every time you came home to visit parents, I will always take you out, to make sure that I really spend time with you, because I really loved you. I wish all of you knew what I was going through, and not saying that ‘you are just kidding’ or ‘you are acting’ or ‘you are crazy’, instead understand what is depression and how to actually treat someone who’s having it.

To my friends: I did all I can to keep all of you with me, but I always failed, I know I wasn’t pretty, or rich or whatever, to be in your group, but I never wanted to be left alone or isolated because I had scars on my wrist. I was trying to recover and it wasn’t nice when all of you just trying to get away from me, or thinking that I had some kinda disease. I just needed a friend whom I can share everything with. Right now, I don’t have anyone with me, and everyone has left me alone.

To GOD: I hate you for making my life this way, so cruel and heartless. Thank you for everything.

I’m scared but I hope it will all end as soon as possible before my parents get home. I know hanging combined with asphyxiation is painful but, minutes of pain is so much better than dying everyday for the rest of my life. FTW.