I have suffered from depression and anxiety for many years now. I usually never thought of my current situation as being that depressing though. I’m on active duty and my duty station of the last 2.5 years has been the worst, but in the last year I felt like I made the most of it.
Yet, earlier this week, I realized that I do not value life. I don’t value mine. I don’t necessarily de-value the lives of others (I’m NOT homicidal) but the idea of losing people no longer fazes me. I’m really numb to grieving at this point.
My life is not upwardly mobile. I did not do better than my parents. I’m realizing more and more that some of my basic career goals may not happen. The people I talk to don’t seem to understand that this has nothing to do my ability to carry out those goals, but because of just silly institutional and academic barriers that keep popping up.
I try to do good in the world, but I can’t help but see most of it as completely insignificant. Half the time I’m not even sure if I’m not being defrauded. I became penpals with a death row inmate. Rather than feeling good about making his dark life a little happier, I just feel awful. It doesn’t help that I know that this guy spent 2 years in a refugee camp in Peru. The miseries in that place are well-documented, and the lack of response from the developed world was pathetic.
I’m a Quaker. I try to draw on my spirituality. Lately, it’s just not giving me what I need.
I’m surrounded by indifferent, ignorant, hateful, and apathetic people. I’m related to quite a few of them too. I have to vote with them.
I recently gave up caffeine. I lost that sense of grandiosity where I felt like I was making a difference. I mellowed out, but I no longer feel like I’m changing anything or doing anything for the better.
I won’t get into my non-existent romantic life. That history would definitely fit into this narrative, but I don’t feel like rehashing it here now.
I want to be content. I’m not going to say that I want to be happy. There is simply too much wrong with the bigger picture of humanity for me to be truly happy. My fear is that simple contentment will also continue to elude me. But as it stands, I feel like I’m just drifting and coasting and eventually it’s just going to stop.
4 comments
Wow.
Did you ever think you might be asking an awful lot of perfection from yourself?
There is always an “if.” There is always a “might.”
The people you have met chose the path they travel, just as you will travel the one you choose. Buckle up and focus.
– DW –
Deep—
I’m in no way religious however I’m feel the same, numb, nothing seems to phase me or surprise me anymore. I’ve learned to expect the worst and not let anything alter my course – whatever direction it may be going in??? F.T.W.
I feel the same way as you do in some rspects. I love people but it does not phaze me to loose people. I actually feel often that those that pass away are lucky and in a better state. a state I myself would like to be in. I also believe in what you said > There is simply too much wrong with the bigger picture of humanity for me to be truly happy.” I feel like that too. I feel like evil is taking over the world and its barely worth going on. Way too many problems not enough solutions
i hear you, and i feel much the same way. I dont want to feel this way, and i wish i could see things like a happy person again, but maybe that just isn’t for caring people like us?