When will it end?

I can’t remember how long I’ve been depressed. It keeps getting worse. It’s changed who I am.

It was minor at first. It started to get worse after having five of my closest friends die in the same year. Two died from suicide and one of them I walked in right after she died. That was over three years ago and the image still haunts me. It won’t let me sleep.

I use to drink heavily and abuse drugs to cope. It only made the depression worse. I quit drugs for good but think about going back and try to forget everything. I went a year without drinking but started again.

I’ve lost contact with almost all my friends. The ones I still talk to have no idea how bad I am. I’m sick of hiding it but I don’t want them to feel bad and worry about me.

I want to be in love. The loneliness makes my depression worse. I want someone I can tell about everything and won’t leave me. I feel it won’t happen.

Thoughts of suicide keep coming and going away less often then when they first started. I don’t know I keep fighting them. I’m afraid that I will lose to the thoughts and give in. I don’t want to because the thought that maybe tomorrow thing will change but I feel it won’t.