Happiness has long eluded me. I lost the sensation of warmth in my soul. I cannot feel anymore. I miss feeling worthy. I miss the gentle touch of another humans embrace.
The only time where I can remember being truly happy was during my deployment to Dubai. I got to meet soldiers from other countries, and I was away from Australia that holds a lot of painful memories. I found a picture in the ARA newspaper today and it brought a smile to my face – it had been taken early march when I did a speech for International Women’s Day. Major General Omar showed his appreciation to us through a JT633 coin. Its beautiful and I love having it by my side for its a small thing that brings a little bit of light amidst my darkness.
I miss my fellow soldiers from that deployment. It had been such a good crew and I couldn’t have asked to meet better people from the tri-service (Army, Navy, Air Force) and from all kind of ranks and countries (USA, NZ etc).
I miss those days. It was a short period of my life, but like everything else. It was never going to last forever.
Upon my return to Australia (RTA) I have slid back from a state of europhic to drastic dysphoria. I have found a friend, and we have found a reliable method that will allow us to slip into a peaceful eternal slumber. We must await a little while first for accessibility to this drug is not easy nor legal.
But with having become aware of it a couple of weeks ago through The Peaceful Pill eBook I am tenaciously carrying through with my endeavour to acquire it.
Also the guilt I feel is ruthless.
So I wish to finish my book of poetry The Passages: Scarlett Dawn’s Broken Soul before my departure so that the people I love can paint a clear picture of the demons I was constantly fighting within – through my poems.
Sometimes I purposely don’t work on my book because I know the closer I become to finishing it – the faster the seconds tick by on my personal time bomb.
Then at times I act out of impulse.
My soul burning in the raging flames of my internal hell. And I wish for it to all end now. Yet this book is all that is keeping me going. With the completion of this book, my demise will follow.
I realise that I have nothing to live for.
I acknowledge that contribute nothing to society apart from burdens and liability.
Once the stars have been engraved with your fate
There is no chance of it ever been changed.
Those whom I love would be better off without me.
To die young was always my destiny.
10 comments
Dubai – the stop-off before flying into Afghan proper. Granted I never actually was deployed on CRIB, but I knew a few fellas who’d been over. Met a random fella a train station once (I suspected he was former service) who attached his ISAF patch to my patrol pack (one of those fancy MOLLE ones with the Velcro panel). Didn’t realise it was there till I got home and immediately ripped it off. I keep it with my other stuff in a keepsake box though.
I’m guessing you’re looking to acquire the fabled N, correct? Good luck sourcing that or any other potent drug in Aussie – ain’t nothing illegal getting through your border. I would, however, like to read an excerpt from your book if you finish it any time soon?
It’s weird – here you have an operationally deployed individual who sees nothing to live for. M’ask you something, man… D’you remember that time during Basic where they’d group you up with fellow recruits, you’d stand to attention and swear your oath/affirm that you’ll serve loyally, be faithful and bear true allegiance? Man… If that ain’t nothing to live for; none of us deserve to be alive.
It’s earlier here, but I felt I needed to make a comment and I apologise if it’s largely incoherent. If you ever want to talk to someone who perhaps understands what it is you’re living through, just gimme a holla.
As you were…
Yeah I never made it into Afghan because I was required within Dubai but I would have loved to go over.
I do remember making that oath. But I also remember them making a promise of looking after their soldiers. I’ve been in hospital for five months and I’m not exaggerating when I say no one from my COC has even bothered to contact me once since I was found to be mentally unstable. Fair enough I was sent to Brisbane from Townsville a few months ago for treatment, but a call from at least one of my bosses would be appreciated.
Sorry for ranting – it’s just it doesn’t matter whether you work in the military or a supermarket – having this illness is not something that can be controlled easily.
Thank you for your words though. It is good to find someone that understands xx
Okay, that’s no bueno at all.
The cultures within our respective milit’ries is obviously world’s apart, as we are made well aware of the effects of mental instability during Basic and furthermore during our careers. Maybe that is the same with you in Oz, but I know for a fact that the NZ Army looks after its soldiers and even now – an entire year after my discharge – they are still paying my salary and medical bills. I haven’t spoken to any of my friends still in service as I don’t want to bother/bore them, but I know if I did reach out – they’d grab a hold of me for sure.
Don’t worry about ranting with me; if it helps, then I’m all for it. It’s no problem and feel free to summon me if you ever want to talk or just to distract yourself from everything. I’d leave a *hug* here, but the MP’s might pull me up for frat… 😉
Yeah I met some soldiers from NZ and your army is so different to one another
I’m glad that they have been good to you. Don’t get me wrong – the army isn’t all bad itself, it’s just that once you become a liability, no one cares anymore. Doesn’t make you feel better about yourself I’ll say that.
I’m the same with my army mates. I don’t want to bug them so I barely speak to them. But they’re there.
Hahah you made my day with that last comment
I don’t care about the MPs anymore -hugs- 🙂
I can email you my book when it’s finished if you want. I’m going to try to put it up on Amazon too anyways. I want to leave something behind.
A world class army that has mana (pride) is exactly what we are…or what I was a part of. That’s true about being a liability though – I’d fought with my friends over reasons why I wanted out and they’d persist in wanting me to stay. But I knew I’d only be dead weight to them.
Well, I can be your army buddy for now if you’d like 🙂 I’ve hardly bumped into any milit’ry pers on this site, let alone any close to home. And yeah, damned meat puppets can go to hell. *hugs*
Hmm… I’ll wait till you put your book up on Amazon and I’ll acquire it from there. If not there, then I’d be happy to get it through email.
That’s one thing you did that made you happy, anyway… My father was in the army too… But my memory kinda fails… Sorry. He was infantry and… He was in 7th battalion at least… There was another. I just dont want to get accused of lying, that would suck…
7th Battalion, Royal Australian Regiment. Based out of an airbase I think. That unit still exists; ’tis a shame he isn’t as well disciplined a soldier as he should be. Sigh.
He used to be a few years ago. I think the army really affected him though. They brainwash people there, he pretended that he was brainwashed lol. Used to really get into things a few years ago.. He had some friends there… Some good people there and not so good… He hates this country. He wants to go to the Philippines. I should die so he can go there im sick of being a burden. He was in the army for 20 years, he always liked it when he could go overseas, or sent overseas. Managed to not get sent to any wars… (timor and Afghanistan maybe there was more). He worked so hard, i haven’t worked a day in my life im such a lazy useless piece of shit, sooner i am dead the better. I dont want to be a burden
Yeah I had the same mentality which is why I needed to get out. I’d only be dragging the team down.
Meat Puppet? Aha never heard that one before.
I’ve never uploaded anything to amazon so I’m not sure how it works yet but I’ll figure it out xx