This is my second post on here…. I don’t know how often I will post but I see this an outlet for me. I feel like I don’t have to hold it all in anymore….
Anyway, I have tried to kill myself with pills and alcohol but it didn’t do anything. The feeling you get afterwards just lingered all for a few day. My speech was a little slurred and I couldn’t walk straight but eventually the feeling went away. The feeling of wanting to die or wanting to live varies from day to day. Some days I feel like I got this and others I feel like the world is on top of me.
You think I would be happy because I am in my last year of college before i graduate with a bachelors degree. And my birthday is coming up. Everything I should be happy about, right?
Well, i could care less. I have no one to celebrate with…. which is pathetic. Like I feel sad at times because I have no one to share my happy moments with…pathetic right? The feeling of loneliness is something I wish on no one!!! Feeling alone in this big, cruel world is more than enough reason to die, because their is no one here to miss me anyway….
So, in the mean time before I feel it’s time to try again, I play around with pills. Thats the only way I can sleep or else I am up all night thinking about how lonely and pathetic my life is. And it is funny that an half a pill of benadryl makes me feel so sleepy as compared to a whole one. And when I take it I just stay up until I fill like I can drift off to sleep…sometimes I drink along to some slow jamz and get lost in my thoughts. It is like a mental high… Like when I am in my zone, i don’t give a ish what happens…
The days i find it hard to cope…i get in my zone and get a mental high….until the day it is time for me fly…
9 comments
I would miss you if you died, dont go
I get you on the loneliness thing as I don’t have anybody to share my life with at the moment and it’s been this way for many years. Glad you didn’t die of the overdose, I’ve always been against this method, it isn’t very successful but can have dire consequencies. I find it hard when I wake up in the middle of the night, usually around 3 to 4 which is what has happened tonight (UK time) 🙁 it’s when I feel at my lowest and the demons come to play with my mind most, I feel my brain racing with bad thoughts of my worthlessness. I hope you can keep going, these thoughts of suicide are hard, I’m currently ok, just feeling depressed but I know they’ll come back, it’s a fight but we can stay ahead of them, please keep going.
The suicidal thoughts seems to know when to come to the front of our mind,huh? I feel like there always there just not always as strong. Thank you for your encouragement, I hope you can find the strength to keep going too… It is hard at times….but at least where now right? There has to be reason we are still here….
I need to respond to you, this really is important to me, some don’t understand like you, the thoughts fluctuate, sometimes I’m almost can’t wait to just end it and other times I feel depressed but happy at the same time (weird) and not suicidal but I can’t explain why but like you it varies (like friday was bad), I’m not on any meds. Loneliness is constant like you, however I’m determined to beat it.
I wish you well on your journey…. I would love to beat it, right now if i could… The process is different for everyone, I assume. And like you, i am not on any meds (other than the ones i take willing just to sleep or ease my mind) but nothing the doctor as prescribed. I don’t feel like it is anything doctors could do to help me…..
Whatever this is i am going thru, I have to find a way to help myself- I just can’t see, to find the strength to fight thru the loneliness and depression… maybe one day i can….
I hope you can beat this…
The process is different because people handle it in different ways, I also don’t feel the docors can help, they wanted me on anti-depressants but I thought they’d just mask the problem, I gave up on my therapist and his notebook. It’s just me and this site of fellow sufferers on lifes treadmill of loneliness and depression. We each can take strength from each other but the answer lies within us also, I hope you keep using this site, there’s a lot of understanding people who can relate to us, take care, hope you succeed, it’ll take time though; back to sleep for me, bye. 🙂
It was nice talking to you, have a good night.
I hope you can get a good sleep too, sleeps so important to us all, bye again.
I so relate to your pain and hope that somehow you’ll find someone to share your life with. Sometimes I’m so overcome with loneliness and that horrible empty feeling of having absolutely nobody in my life to really share things with, that I can hardly get out of bed, can barely function. I find myself avoiding people because I’m so unlike them. I’m not married, have no children, and have not been in a close relationship for several years. I’ve drifted away from most of my friends and my one true remaining friend now lives in another state and I rarely see him.
And yet, like you said, we’re still here and there has to be a reason…
Somehow, I just haven’t been able to give up on myself, not yet.
You sound like a smart, caring person. Don’t give up yet.