This whole thing started about 5 years ago…i was 15 then…life started to hit me even harder than before…i grew with my grandparents,not so nice,they we’re always fighting over silly things,my grandpa was an alcoholic dog,my grandma was always nice,miss her btw ^^.I grew with my grandparents because my parents left the country when i was 8.So,after my 15 th birthday,you know,puberty,all of that shit,started to smoke,drink,party,it was good,you know,so good,until love started to hit me like an hurricane,i was so in love…she knew,i told her so many times,but she didn’t care…for 2 years i couldn’t stop thinking about her…that’s not nice…a few sleepless nights,drinking all knight,talking with my only friend who tried to understand me,who btw,tried to kill himself three times.
At the age of 18 i was already dead,black inside,so much pain,crying nights,it was bad 🙁 . With all that pain that i was feeling,i managed to get trough high-school without problems,i mean,i am a good looking guy,a nice guy,i don’t have problems with anyone,or something like that,no one noticed i have so deep problems…anyways,high-school finished and i went on a trip with my friends…i was feeling so down,i didn’t enjoyed that trip…i had a pain in my leg from football,and i had with me a bottle of painkillers.It was night,04:25 a clock in the morning,i was listening in my headphones ”Slipknot – Snuff” , i grabed that bottle,swallow 20 pills,and after 15 minutes the pills started to hit me,i was feeling so high,and good,omg the best sensation ever,i jumped out of bed,went by the river to grab a beer,i feel into the river,i couldn’t move,i was feeling so damn good,i opened my mouth,the water came in,i started to think about all my life,about my mistakes,about all i have been trough…i felt easyer…when i was about to close my eyes,i saw someone jump intro the water,i didn’t see that good,i was almost unconscious,all that i remember is that he grabed my hand,and pulled me out of the river…
Now,2 years later,after so much drinking,smoking,and getting high with painkillers,i am starting to feel that i am useless,and i want to get rid of the material part of me…everyday i wake up trying to find reasons to live,barely find them…i found this site,a hope maybe…
I just want to say to all of ya,that i know how you feel brothers 🙁 , maybe somewhere there is a place for us too,where we can find piece,and be loved in the way we love…this life is shit,and i hate it !
3 comments
I had to register just to respond to your post. There were too many similarities between us. I also grew up with my grandparents as my mother and father split when I was young and my mother wasn’t in a good place to be raising a young me. I lost my grandmother when I was 17, it happened in front of me. She was basically my mother, the one that I had always wanted. I’m twenty now, and I’ve used my share of pk’s as well. It helped for a while but in the end I just end up at the same place. Only difference is I never managed to make it through HS. “Everyday I wake up trying to find reasons to live”, I know exactly what that feels like. Most of the time I just think: what’s the point? There’s nothing for me out there.
Anyways I’m trying to put all my though in a clear order but its harder than I though. I hope you can find some peace in your life, we all deserve that.
I hope it finding this site turns out to be a good thing for you. It was good for me for the most part. You seem to be a very thoughtful and intelligent person. That combination alone can be a boon for the expressed burden of feelings in your post. Ignorance truly can be bliss I guess. Stay sharp man, it surely has to work out in the end for ppl like you and me…..I hope.
I hope it finding this site turns out to be a good thing for you. It was good for me for the most part. You seem to be a very thoughtful and intelligent person. That combination alone can be a boon for the expressed burden of feelings in your post. Ignorance truly can be bliss I guess. Stay sharp man, it surely has to work out in the end for ppl like you and me…..I hope.