Um so.. I’ve been suicidal (on and off) ever since I can remember. I’m turning 22 next month and so I don’t have long, I don’t want to live past my birthday. Preferably, it’s when I’d like to leave this planet.
I’m not sad or angry or frustrated. I can deal with that. I feel like I’m holding my breath, waiting for that gasp of fresh air to bring me back to life. I feel crippled and it’s starting to effect work, work of which I hate doing ofcourse, I hate it all let’s be honest. this life thing isn’t for me, I’ve had a taste, I know the ups and downs, I know I will be happy again, but you know what?! It’s too fucking late now. All my life I’ve been worried about keeping others happy, it’s just me, I just like to keep peace. I don’t deserve this life, I’ve never hurt anyone! I just wish my mind was different but it’s not and it never will be. I’ll experience the ups sure, but it’s not worth the downs. Not anymore. Just waiting until I find a method that will kill me, but leave me in one piece, I don’t want my mum to see me all mashed up.
Its scary, to end it isn’t it? I’ve tried it a few times, at times of desperation, oh my god it’s terrifying. The exit bag sounds good but a lot of failures have occured. Maybe a train will be the best idea. But I don’t want the driver to be traumatized
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I don’t want my mum to see me all mashed up.
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Does your mum know how you feel?
Yea thought about many of the same things you’re saying. same story, the ups are just not worth the downs, the way you put it. It’s scary since we don’t know what, if anything is waiting for us on the other side. It might be nothing. It could be a dark place. You never know. That’s not gonna stop me from doing it though.
But also like you said i don’t want to get mashed up therefore train, hanging and shooting are out of the question. But I’ve got poison which is enough to kill me, I’m just waiting it out, pushing it day to day as far as i can go but not much longer. Hope you find peace
I feel like you do, in fact very much like you do, especially the on/off thoughts of suicide. I hate work and suffer anxiety which makes it hard for me. Some of us, me included, seem to need to keep others happy at the cost of our own lives while those who walk over others without a worry always seem to have a better life. You’re 21 and I’m 46, I’ve been like you from around 27 but since then I’ve had very good times in my life where I’ve been happy and I’m still hopeful despite how I feel at present. You have tried suicide before so you realise how hard and scary it is, that’s the main reason I would rather try and keep going, even when I’m at my lowest, and I hope you can as well.