I’ve never been the kind of girl that you would look at and know deep down she wants to kill herself. I got straight A’s, was social and love to perform in front of people. I guess I always have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts though. To me it has always been a matter of when I would do it. I guess in the back of my mind I have always known that something was wrong with me when I would have to fake laugh with my friends but at any given moment I could have just stopped and been emotionless or when I would force a smile on my face and go out with my friends. It wasn’t until I was older that life wasn’t worth faking anymore.
This summer I had a break down. I cut my skin so deep that 4 of them should have had stitches. I thought that going to the doctor would help but finding the right medicine has just messed with my mind. When my family found out things in my head just got worse. They didn’t understand how a girl like me could be sad and assume it is for attention. I hate attention or “pity.” I am getting bad again and I feel like I am right back to ground zero. I am pretending like I am happy and doing better again just like I have my whole life except now I don’t really want to pretend anymore.
I have been doing better these past couple days. It’s funny how life can be so much better once you’ve made up your mind about something. Since my mind has been set I have been able to get my life in order and more organized. I’ve been able to talk to everyone and not be as irritable. It’s not that I am happy, in fact I now know I never will be, but I am content with my decision and until then that is enough.
3 comments
I’m sorry that u have been like that in depression n sad I know it’s hard to deal with I deal with some much pain for the past three years of feeling sad n alone no one in my family really knows my struggle with my spine scoliosis It’s a killer everyday I wonder whether or not to I should try to commit suicide again but when no one is home I do fake smiles with family just so they think I’m.Ok inside but I’m just terrible I feel like I’ll never get better I have become more worse it’s very hard dealing with the pain I have but it’s good.that your life is getting a little better now n that your organize but you can be happy just find something or someone that loves you or you love to do n fight for it that’s what I’m trying to do with my life I’m trying to stay strong for my loves.. they know who they are.
Your family is a pack of fucking morons. Say you kill yourself, they’re the type that would say, “Oh, we had no way of knowing that she’d even do such a thing!” Yet it’s plain as day that you need help. People don’t cut themselves that deeply when they’re looking for attention. They do it when they want to escape from their harsh reality.
If I had a child who hurt themselves for any reason, I’d look into it. If you were only doing it for attention, it’d be figured out sooner or later. They have everything to lose when it comes to their family, and they’re being so fucking careless with you.
I suggest speaking to a guidance counselor. They’re are good place to go when your family is too stupid to help.
I think there’s a unique challenge of going through depression when you outwardly look like a successful person. I’ve been in a similar situation and have dealt with my fair share of people not believing or understanding how I could be suicidal when I ostensibly have so much going for me – my mother is included on that list. You nail so much of what I’ve worried about when seeking help (e.g., it’s just a cry for attention!) and I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with it now. It really sucks. Also sucky: pretending. I hope you’re able to find a balance of being honest to yourself and your feelings and not opening yourself uncomfortably to people you feel can’t hold your emotions.
I second Twisted’s indignation about your parent’s response and the suggestion to see a therapist. They can’t solve everything, but having one is a hell of a lot better than not in my experience.
Try to remember: your brain and neurotransmitters don’t give a crap if your life is in order or not. Depression can hit anyone and it’s real.