I don’t know what brought me to this website. First I was googling resources on suicide prevention and it brought up a link, and here I am. To start things off, I’m not the kind of girl that would be found on here, according to my friends I’m a social butterfly, friendly, sweet and kind hearted. Why I may be those things, I’m also a lot for things no one could even imagine. My family would be completely devastated if they knew the thought of suicide was even slipping into my mind. Of course, people always say “you should see a councillor and get some help” but honestly, the whole “tell me what happened, how do you feel about that?” bullshit doesn’t do it for me. I might as well buy a self help book if I’m going to sit in front of someone and talk about things I don’t need to talk about. Lets forget about the “why do you feel that way?” and get onto the “How can we help you, recipe for hopeful success”.
So let me vent a little and explain why my mind is in such chaos…Six months ago I lost my absolute best friend, someone who has always been there and believed in me no matter what, my mother. She was in a tragic accident and everyone expected her to pull through and she didn’t. I am completely and utterly heart broken and I don’t know what to do anymore. I have good days where I feel happy to be alive and other days where I can’t differentiate between what is worse, my mother not being here, or me being here without her. I’ve come to be so distant from everyone I know, and I can’t help it. Half of the time I don’t want to leave my house, and the other half I want to go out but just feel so sad. I’ve thought for a long time that I most likely have a mental disorder, depression is what I would define it s but who really knows? I haven’t spoken to anyone and Im petrified to go to my family doctor even though I know he could help.
I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, I personal train three days a week, go to classes starting up again this wednesday, I work part time and have enrolled myself in a Aerial Silks class to keep my mind busy and to work on myself. But, it’s not enough. I need someone to talk to, a friend, guidance, support, anything. I don’t know how to deal with my feelings anymore, I’m sinking into a dark space that I can’t get out of, I’m drowning, and I feel like anything I do just doesn’t accomplish anything.
I’m a ship sailing, and the seas are rough.
13 comments
counsellors have never worked for me and i wish they would but as soon as i leave the counsellor i am back out into the real world which i hate and has only been so cruel and evil to me so all i can do is figure out how to best survive and i havent figured that out yet so i wish i had an answer for you to help cope but honestly reading stuff online i would say has atleast been a little helpful so just google certain thoughts you have and hopefully you can find atleast a bit of peace of mind for some issues
I’m so sorry for your loss. As cliché as the following statement is, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mother last week, ans she was my only means of support, comfort and my best friend. I wrote my own story
and posted it, as I am struggling with how to cope with her loss among other things.
I too am drowning in a dark sea of dispair and sorrow. You’re not alone in your pain.
/hug
I’m sorry for your lost. I am sorry for everyone’s list. It’s never easy losing seine who means so much to you. I’m sorry. I wish I could take the pain away.
I meant lost, not list. I apologize for the misspelling.
People are deeper than what they present themselves to be, that’s for sure.
We’ve many layers and having to explain each layer to a therapist never worked for me either. I was essentially doing their job for them. A therapist seems more like a guide that helps you on the way to self-discovery that someone who can divine the underlying problems that plague a person. And it’s frustrating having to guide them more than they guide you.
That’s why a site like this is so great. Having someone understand where you are coming from is a tremendous comfort many days when the typical distractions aren’t enough and you don’t take joy in the things you used to. Does it make the pain go away, no, but it helps even it out some and makes those deep troughs of depression less lengthy.
Welcome.
Thank you for the comments you guys. Its just been a really really hard struggle for me, I have good days and bad days, days that I want to seek help and talk to someone who can give me antidepressants or something, and then I feel shitty for thinking I need something to make me feel better. Is that wrong? I don’t think I can be depressed for my entire life, I know at some point I can get over this , through this. Some days it just becomes so hard to even bare. One day at a time I guess. Today was better at least.
I don’t know you, but I’m here for you.
^There was a time I would have killed to read those words on a computer screen.
<3
You’re so nice, thank you so much for wanting to help.
I know all about depression, medication, and counseling. Ask me anything love.
Thank you for the help! What would you say is a good place to start? I know I don’t want to take my life but I think about it so often that I just end up crying and getting so upset because I can’t help but feel that way. And of course I feel I can’t go see someone about it because I think they’ll make me to go a hospital or something. I’m not a danger to myself, I literally just think about suicide. Does that make sense?
I’m just. Broken hearted person that can’t escape
As I mentioned in a pervious post, the thoughts of taking my life come and go. Personally, I don’t want to take meds or see a doctor. I don’t think there is nothing wrong with me… I know what I need to be happy or just to make it thru the day. I just want some to care; to listen…
People who never considered suicide, I feel like they would never understand .
I feel the same way I always think about killing myself almost everyday it’s hard when you are lonely and I’m lonely all the time I know your pain to just want someone to care that’s all I want…