I really need to let my story. I can’t tell anyone and I won’t tell anyone most of this. I’m going to go in order of events, and you tell me if I have a right to kill myself.
I was born in Iraq, during the war. It was horrible. I was never able to have a good night’s sleep. I always thought I was going to get murdered, bombed, raped. I was so scared. I was only 5. When I was 6, a week or two after my birthday, my dad went to work, like usual. On the way there, he got shot twice in the stomach. He didn’t die immediately. He went to a hospital, where he started rotting from the inside out. I still remember the way he looked wrapped up, trying to survive. My brother tried to kill himself during this time, but his friends found him and stopped him. I was still young, I didn’t understand anything. Then, one day at night, I was asleep. I woke up to sounds of screaming and pure horror. I was terrified; my father had died. I remember my mom running out of the house, screaming, crying. I didn’t know what to do.
After this, we moved to Syria. We lived there for 2 years. During this time, I was sexually molested almost everyday. We lived in an apartment building and the man below us would touch me inappropriately. He threatened that he would tell my mother if I didn’t touch him back. I was only 8.
Finally, we moved to the United States. By this time, my mom has completely lost her mind. She’s crazy. Fast forward to 10th grade (now currently.) My mom beats me, yells at me, grounds me, and mentally abuses me. She calls me fat, worthless, stupid, ugly, useless. She tells me that it was my fault that my father died. She says it’s my fault she’s going to die. All of this caused me to burn and cut and bruise myself. I started overeating and binge eating. When she found out, I was not allowed to see any of my friends. I’m still not allowed to. She says that it’s all their fault I do this. Now, I stopped eating. I’m still cutting. I’m abusing prescription drugs-Tramadol. I’m suicidal. I’m guilty.
I feel horrible. My boyfriend deals with all of this. I feel so guilty he has to go through this. I’m so fucking sorry. I hate myself so much. It really was my fault. I can’t stand living anymore. I’m wrong. I’m a mistake. I don’t deserve life. I don’t want to be here.
I don’t know how to save myself. I know that I’m going to kill myself soon. I don’t know how to stop myself.
11 comments
I am very sorry for all you have endured. You seem like a survivor. I really don’t know how to respond but I wanted to let you know that I read your post.
Everyone has a right but wait, none of what has happened to you is your fault but you have have a terrible life so far. You mention your boyfriend having to deal with it, is he able to keep you going, I’m so sorry for you, you deserve a better future so much, you really do.
Agreeing with the consensus that none of this is your fault. Blaming faults never solves anything, guilt is a useless emotion, however, if anyone were to blame you for anything, it would actually be your parent’s fault for giving birth to you in the first place (at least, thats how I see things right now with myself…)
Try to get out and get a job when you can, and get away from your abusive mother when possible…
Also, don’t feel upset, or too surprised, if you’re unable to actually kill yourself the first time (MANY people couldn’t, with quite a few taking numerous attempts before finally succumbing). Consider whether or not you’d be better off spending your energy turning your life around, rather than taking it, since, although it depends on the person, taking your own life takes a LOT of effort, or motivation…not to say you haven’t already been through hell…
Good luck, either way.
That is an incredible amount of shit to go through. It REALLY WASN’T your fault. Your mom sounds like she’s got some serious issues, and I’m so sorry you’re the nearest target. You sound like a good, kind, interesting person who has been put through some incredible shit. I hate myself too, but like you just from reading that.
10th grade… you’re not far off from being able to leave this shitty home-life that you have. Can you try to stick it out a few more years until you’re of age and can move out? Life can get so much better, and it DOES get so much better after high school. I’m gonna guess you’re about 15/16. That is a shitty time for almost everyone. Hormones are crazy, self-esteem is nonexistent, and if you have home life issues on top of all that, it’s enough to drive you insane.
I’m sorry you’ve gone through all this horrible drama. But your life CAN get better. You just gotta survive the next couple years. It’s not as long as it seems, believe me.
I hope you can hang in there. <3
I don’t want to kill yourself. You are very empowering, going through what you went through and your here, You came out strong because your here now! You said you don’t know how to save yourself? There are helplines if you are unable to see a doctor by yourself, because you are mentally scarred from what has happened and that is very, very understandable!! You have just asked for help. So that is what I wanna do? Ask anything but use those helplines they can keep you safe and once you feel that someone has responsibility for you you feel that bit more at ease that someone cares, there are pros out there that know how they can help in situations like yours and what kind of help would best suit you. Please call them asap because I think you can be a very strong individual once you have had support, I know this because you have come this far.
You’re right. You have been through things most people in this country (myself included) cannot imagine. You have seen the dark and ugly side of the human existence. You have experienced great loss and sadness. It isn’t fair at all. I wish someone would have been there to defend you from anger and the horrible man who lived in your apartment building.
If you go, I hope you find peace. I hope your passing is easy.
I hope you don’t. You have a story to tell. There are so many people you could help. I don’t know the right things to say, but wait a day or two to think it over, and in that time, do something you’ve always wanted to do that you’ve never done before. What do you have to lose?
Things will get better.Im so glad there are so many people on this site to care so keep on trucking. Hold your head up. And your middle finger even higher. 2 more years and your out of the hell hole. Keeping trucking..you made it this way didn’t youu.(; keep fighting<3.
I think the fact dat u wrote here means you don’t really wanna die, you want help some how and that is a good thing. You should live, for your boyfriend if not for yourself. He has done a lot you’d hate for his effort to go to waiste. You are a strong young person to have gone throu and survived that and for that I like you. I wouldn’t blame your mom either, she is gone through a lot too and that sounds like she is just breaking down. Her fault is jst taking it out on you. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say this but I think findind her a social worker and yourself one would be a good start on saving your life. Goodluck, I hope you find something soon and you find a way to concentrate at school becouse that is important.
hopes things are going better since you wrote this
Don’t do it. You aren’t going to have to live with your mother forever.