i’ve wanted to be an artist since i was 14. make animations, draw comics, create illustrations, whatever, my mind has been set on that goal from the moment i realized that that’s what i wanted to do for the rest of my life.
the problem is, my art sucks.
at first that didn’t bother me much. i mean, i just started, of course i suck. i’m still young, i’ll get better, i just have to keep practicing.
and for 2 or 3 years, that’s what i did. i looked for resources online, asked my parents to put me in an art course, started keeping a sketchbook. really wanted to get better, and I did. I still sucked, but at least i could definitely see an improvement.
and then i lost my motivation.
like most artists, i’m very critical of my work, and i got frustrated at the fact that i was still so bad . it was just so demoralizing spending hours doing a single study for it to come out looking like shit, not even knowing what you did wrong.
so i stopped drawing for 2 years. in retrospect, i think that’s probably the decision that led me to where i am now. i should have known then, that art wasn’t for me.
but i’m too stubborn.
i’ve been going to art school for illustration for a month now, i thought that’s what i’d need to get me back on track, but i just hate it. i’m living a life of assignment after assingment after assignment, all of which i invariably fuck up no matter how hard i work on them. i’m not getting better, and the fact that ill have to find work in a few years has made me realize that im not a teenager anymore. i cant afford to be mediocre anymore. i told myself that it’s fine, i’m still relatively young, but when i compare myself to artists i admire, and see what they were doing when they were around my age: they’re always ahead of me. even the ones that didnt go to art school, even the ones for whom art is just a side hobby.
im not good enough, i’ll never be good enough no matter how hard i work, and top of it i dont have the drive to keep practicing because i’m slowly realizing that i actually don’t like art as much as i thought i did.
i’ve never felt so depressed in my life, and i’ve already tried to take my life once before. but even back then it didnt feel this bad, it didn’t last this long. i’ve pretty much wanted to end my life every single day since i started.
i just dont have anything left to live for. i had to move to a different city to get here, and i left all my friends behind. i figured itd be easier to make friends in an art college, that i’d be able to meet other introverts like me, but nope, from day one everyone was already part of some kind of circle, and i wasnt included in any of them. i tried not being introverted, i tried approaching people instead of waiting to be approached, but everyone just ignores me after a while.
i can’t even enjoy things like video games or the internet anymore because of all this bullshit that is constantly hanging over my head. i’ve become numb.
some people may say “if you hate art so much why don’t you just quit and try something else” and i cant, i just cant, i’ve planned my entire life around this, i intentionally made minimum effort during high school because of it. and besides, i dont WANT a different career, i’d be even more miserable if i was studying literally anything else.
i’ve hit my limit. i’m still going to school and completing my assignments, but i’ve already decided to kill myself. i’ll do it this weekend using an exit bag. i dont have access to sleeping pills or a helium tank, so i’m not too hopeful, but even if i fail, i’ll just give up on trying to have a peaceful death and throw myself off a high building.
i think that’s all i wanted to say, thanks for reading.
4 comments
I understand your point about being critical of your work. It’s good, in any profession, to have high expectations. I think it’s possible that you’re being too hard on yourself. The point of school is to educate you and show you how to create. If you had perfect art, you probably wouldn’t need to go to school. So don’t give up. Take a deep breath… give yourself some time… and keep trying.
As for the other people, school can be difficult sometimes. People find someone to connect with and they form their own circle. Sometimes it’s difficult to gain access to that circle. It doesn’t mean you should stop trying… It just means that the particular person/people didn’t work out. There are always others.
Don’t give up… You’ve spent a lot of effort and you haven’t given it enough time to show some rewards.
The girl I work with is a cartoonist so when I’m having a shit day she’ll draw me a Pokémon. I find the quotes particularly inspiring “Ash, fuck you muthafucka” etc hehehe.
hey, I know exactly what you’re going through. It’s even worse for me. I dedicated 5 years of my life to an art career, including studies at a graphic design art university, and then some more courses on top of that only to realize I suck. I’ve wasted half of my life and now I hate art because I know I’ll never get better. Being mediocre is not an option for me. So now I’m quitting my career. I don’t know if i can study anything else, i don’t have the energy anymore. Will probably kill myself on Xmas, my ‘favourite’ holiday.
Are you sure there is nothing else you can study that you’ll be good at? People change careers all the time, and you’ve got an advantage since you’re still young. I’m giving it one more shot by trying a career in wildlife, but if that doesn’t work out I’m done with this shitty world.
Nah, if I switched careers I’d be just as depressed. I don’t know, I’ve always hated the idea of working on anything that wasn’t art related, and now I hate THAT too, so…
I just don’t see the point. It’s not just about finding something I’m good at besides art (short list), it’s also about finding something I like to do. Yeah, I get that people work jobs they hate and they’re perfectly happy, the difference is that those people usually have, like, friends? And things they enjoy doing? And reasons to live? I have nothing, I’d just be prolonging a miserable existence.