My secret side

I was 21 when I first had suicidal thoughts. I was struggling at college, and had frequent migraines. The first time  was really upsetting -how could I imagine doing that to myself? I kept going, and even managed to finish college. I got a job, and constantly worried that people would see me as not good enough, and wouldn’t want me around. It was hard to sleep. I would agonise over mistakes I could make. I changed job, and things got worse. I had a manager who was passive aggressive and a supervisor who was cruel, insulting us at every opportunity.  I attempted suicide twice in three years.  After the first attempt, the first thing I remember is a text message from a friend. Just an everyday comment, but suddenly I realised how distant I had become. I called a trusted family member, who accompanied me to hospital. I didn’t really feel comfortable with my assigned counsellor and quit. For a short while, I was relieved I had survived. But I was in the same circumstances. Work got progressively harder, and I was subject to a performance evaluation on the anniversary of my first attempt. I didn’t get fired, but was target of my supervisor’s anger even more. I wanted to quit, but didn’t want to give them that satisfaction. I was tearful every day, and kept thinking, kept planning. Another year, and I felt ready to snap. I tried another overdose. I felt violently sick afterwards, but was too scared to seek help. I was offered a transfer later in the year (by chance). I had to move to a city without my network of family and friends. It took another 6 months but I slowly settled into new pattern of work. If I have a difficult patch in relationship or at work, I still think about how or when I could try. I have such mixed feelings about my suicide attempts. I feel really guilty over the effect on family and friends, some I would never have met. But I’m still struggling with life. I feel like I have too much emotional baggage to connect with other people. I feel so alone. And at low points, I regret that I’m still here.