well today was almost the day. why it wasn’t isn’t really important here. but the means, the opportunity and the will are all there. i really don’t know why i have fallen into the pit. i have been crying a lot (read everyday), angry, etc etc. you know the drill. after that then there is a certain kind of numbness. i am purposely withdrawing from the world, life. then the physical stuff isn’t exactly helping either. the near constant stomach pain whether i eat or not, various wounds from months ago that are not healing. chest pain and fatigue just for shits and giggles. yes i am whining again. i have stopped mentioning any of this to anyone because no one seems to be real concerned. i am putting off seeing the shrink for as long as possible. looks like end of october now. after being put in my place i see no need to talk to him about any of this. being put in my place refers to being reminded that he sees 23 other losers a day for 20 minutes. just give me my scripts and i will go away. don’t forget the insurance check! besides he can read my chart , he doesn’t need anything from me. don’t feel like “talking” anymore. goodbye.
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I am sorry you feel so bad. What I sense from your post more than anything else are feelings of disgust. Sometimes we hit the wall – we’ve had all we can take and those closest to us, people that should care about our well-being don’t give two shits about us.
I’ve truly given up waiting for better times, better days or waking to welcome the sunshine pouring through the bedroom window instead of pulling the sheets over my face to shut it out.
You are right about today’s practitioners (or more appropriately QUACKtitioners) – they are either bound by idiotic HMO policies to practice “drive-by” cognitive behavioral therapy or too distracted by cramming as many $150 and hour sessions in a day as possible and most of all they don’t give a rat’s ass about treating their clients. It’s a sign of the times really.
Posting here is is a good thing to do – it helps break down the walls we build trying to keep the things our friends, relatives or lovers don’t want to hear bottled up inside. And when we pack the shit away like that it turns to poison that slowly sucks our life away.
Sorry if I seem like I am rambling a bit – it’s just the mood I’m in but I do hope that there are better days ahead for you. Try and give yourself at least some of the respect and understanding that you truly deserve even if others are too thoughtless or self-absorbed to give it. And keep writing thoughts and feelings, even if you don’t share them – it really does help to release some of that poison.
-peace