So lonely and tired

In the last week my amazing job has stopped being amazing. I moved stores to help this store achieve success, I was told id be stepping on toes but in time it would dissipate. Now it seems the person who feels threatened by me has put in a complaint, unsure of the nature I asked and was told I couldn’t be told and that a note would be placed in my file. I’m not allowed to face my accuser or defend myself, it doesn’t make sense. Considering I was aware when I took the position that it would be hard for the older staff member to have me the wonder child thrust in I made sure to let her take credit too and become friends. Now I feel disillusioned and hurt. I can’t work with people who stick the knife in at every opportunity they get. I applied for a few jobs due to the growing tensions and fingers crossed I have some luck but I can’t see passed the malicious intent and hurt caused to me. I spent the last two days in bed feeling so low. It seems that’s all I feel these days. It might seem like a trivial thing to be miserable about but it’s the bigger picture that upsets me and the nastiness of some people. I feel so alone right now and know I have to go to work tomorrow and share a desk with this person – part of me wants to ignore her part of me wants to smash her face into the desk. I know I’ll be expected to be the bigger person and deal with it maturely and pleasantly and it makes me feel sick. I took endep to help sleep last week as the insomnia I have is getting out of control and I know a lot is anxiety. I felt suicidal the next day- I’m too scared to use it again. My boyfriend will be home from work shortly and he will know I’m still sad but when I try to explain to him how depressed I feel he tries to console me but has no idea what to do. He has never had reason to feel this way and I’m glad of that but at the same time he can’t understand what I’m going through which makes me feel more alone. I don’t want to be here anymore but I know I’m too much of a cowardly mess to do anything to end it. I wanted to make a difference but I think I’ve been naive in believing I could. I want this to stop. I hate pretending I’m ok because I’m not. I’ve worked so hard at my job and cut people out of my life because I’ve been too busy and now I really don’t have many friends and everyone has their own problems. Nothing gives me joy anymore. I miss my old self